Wednesday, January 01, 2003

Happy New Year out there. I think it's time for some 2003 predictions: People will wear their "2003" glasses from Times Square on a regular basis, after they are worn on a March episode of "Regis & Kelly" by Tony Danza. "The Anna Nicole Smith Show" is canceled when she eats her son after being told he was a white-chocolate Easter bunny. More likely (?)- "The Anna Nicole Smith Show" is canceled because it's a fuckin stupid show. The United States invades Iraq, to which Iraq will fall. A 51st star is added to the flag and Iraq is renamed “Arizona 2, the Mustache State”. Michael Jackson undergoes surgery to become black again. In a related story, Tito Jackson undergoes surgery to have a career again. The surgery proves fatal. “Barbershop 2” hits theaters. Al Sharpton urges others not to see it, claiming, “Hell, I ain’t in it, so it probably sucks.” After the public is notified of this fact, the movie goes on to become the top grossing film in box office history. Dr. Phil tells people how they need to readjust their lives. A new cult arises against his popularity, called “Mind-your-own-damn-businessism”. Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck will wed. The marriage breaks up after only a week however, when J-Lo announces, “My bad, I thought he was Matt Damon.” Paul Hogan, best known as “Crocodile Dundee,” gets into a fight with the Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin. Irwin is killed in 4 seconds. A street is renamed in Hogan’s honor. And finally, Trinidad and Tobago decide to become 2 separate countries. Trinidad becomes a senator, while Tobago is best known for wearing pants with the ass cut out in a video aboard an air craft carrier. They are reunited years later on a Kathy Lee Christmas special.


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