Monday, July 28, 2003

The Great Beyond (CNN) -- Bob Hope, the legendary comedian whose quick wit, daring personality and ski-sloped nose made him an icon of 20th-century entertainment, has died. He was 100. How come obituaries always end the first paragraph with "He was 100" or whatever the age was? I want mine to say something better, like "He was the freakin' man! It really sucks that he's dead now." Though that would probably get copied by everyone and their dead mother afterwards. And the insanity won't stop there. I don't want a tombstone that just has the usual, i.e., name, birthday, dash, death day, etc. I want people who don't even know me to want to come visit my grave, just cuz it kicks so much ass. Grab the reader's attention. First, I'd have to have some pyrotechnic displays, fireworks and explosions and stuff just to alert the people crying that something new is goin done at this cemetery. Drop the hankies and come on over. Then, a tombstone that would have sports scores and fun facts about me scrolling by on it. Yankees 5, Tigers 2....Astros 8, Padres 1....Matt really liked Ben & Jerry's ice cream.... Last, just to screw with people's heads, I'll hire a kid who looked like me as a boy to run up to my tombstone with a flashlight every so often and start screaming that he's "me from the past."


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