Wednesday, July 30, 2003

A Lack Consumer confidence slipped this month and led to stocks closing lower yesterday, officials said. "I just don't think this shirt will look good on me, " said Anna O'Neal, a shopper at an Ohio American Eagle Outfitters. "I mean, once I leave the store, I'm gonna realize I made a bad move." Some could barely make it to the dressing room of a Miami Banana Republic. "Those mirrors in there are gonna show me just how fat I really am," said Teresa Williams, who for some reason thought she was going into a funhouse. "If I see any clowns in there, I'm leaving." This drop was mainly caused by people losing a lot of self-esteem after it was announced that Liza Minelli's marriage to David Guest was ending. "Ever since I heard about Liza, nothing just seems important anymore," said Betty Campbell of Augusta, Georgia. "There's just no reason to get out of bed in the morning. I'm just hoping it all works out with Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck. I see many, many years of happiness in their future." The plunge in buyer self-esteem was believed to be caused by continued unemployment, but the actual cause was made clear by consumers all over America. "I can't believe it's over, " said Josh Hernandez of Sacramento, California. "They were perfect for each other, it's just so sad when things don't go the way you planned. Plus the local Target didn't have my size socks. I've got some pretty big feet, and I thought they'd have'em at Target. I mean, c'mon, it's friggin' Target (let it be known that Mr. Hernandez pronounced Target 'Tar-zjay' like he's a man about town or something). I've lost a lot of confidence on this one." Others were optimistic about the upcoming months. "I have a feeling that once the U.S. starts invading more countries, it'll be business as usual," said Tom Maloney, a certified 'Mr. Know-it-all' and more than likely to be completely wrong. "I can't wait until we invade Somalia. They'll never expect us."


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