Sunday, August 03, 2003

God Declares Bankruptcy Heaven May Have to Shut Its Gates (CNN) Trinity City, Heaven- Everyone now has more money that God. God, creator of everything, yesterday filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, stating he'd wasted all His money on fountains and cool stuff for Heaven. "I should've gotten a financial advisor," God said in a universewide press conference. “I mean, let’s face it, we’ve been operating on no income for eternity. I’ve been running this place out of my own pocket. Plus I never should have let the Holy Spirit do my books.” Heaven will stay operational during bankruptcy in hopes of emerging, but cutbacks are inevitable. Hundreds of archangels have already been laid off, and more are expected in the next few weeks. No additional souls will be let into Heaven after the end of the month. Those already in Heaven are looking for new places to rest their souls. "We found this nice place in purgatory," said Jim Gomez, a Heaven resident for the last 22 years. "My wife and I are gonna stay there, the rent's stabilized and its got 2 bedrooms. We really lucked out." During the dot com bust a few years ago, Hell plunged into the red and is still recovering. “I took some bad advice from Hitler, “said Satan, president of Hell. “He got really into the whole Internet boom. We had this service for when you go on vacation and you need someone to take a picture of you and your family, that you could go to our web site and hire us to take it. In hindsight it was a pretty stupid idea.” Coincidentally, boxing legend Mike Tyson filed for bankruptcy as well this week. “You didn’t have to be the Son of God to see that one coming, “ said Jesus Christ, Son of God/carpenter. “We’re expecting P. Diddy to at any moment,” he added.


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