Santa Busted for Elf Molesting Thought "milk and cookies" was a euphemism Kris Kringle, aka Santa Claus, was accused yesterday of molesting an elf at his Winter Wonderland Ranch in November. The complaint comes from Sally Lollipops, an elf for two years in the bow tying department who claims Mr. Claus, whose real name is Bill Berkowitz, took advantage of her while she was alone in his office. After hearing about the news, the Pope immediately cancelled Christmas. "With this kind of bad PR, I think it's best if we forget about the true meaning of Christmas: getting presents from a fat guy who breaks into your house and eats your food," said the Pope. "There will be no Christmas this year. We can still celebrate Groundhog Day I suppose." Santa could not be reached as he was filming a music video with Weird Al Yankovic in Las Vegas. Mrs. Claus, however, denied the allegations and also stated that her husband never beat her, though no one even asked her if he did.