Friday, May 30, 2003

Out of the pool I would personally like to thank the Boston Red Sox on behalf of Yankees fans everywhere today. Ya see, Boston traded their third baseman/Yankee killer Shea Hillenbrand yesterday to the Arizona Diamonbacks for pitcher Byung-Hyun Kim. In case you're not sure who this guy is, here's a clue: That's right. The guy who blew Games 4 & 5 of the 2001 World Series when he gave up homers to Tino Martinez, Derek Jeter, and Scott Brosius. Look for this year's Red Sox meltdown in July. Thanks again!

Sequel, Too Here's another sequel due out later this year. It completes a trilogy of movies involving Hobbits and Middle Earth:

Thursday, May 29, 2003

Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Digits Apparently in the new movie "Bruce Almighty," God (played by the guy who's always in power, Morgan Freeman) gives Jim Carrey a phone number to reach Him. But instead of using a 555 number like in most movies, they used a real one, and people who have it are getting prank calls asking for God. Possible repercussions: People remember that song "867-5309" and start calling that number as well God starts screening His calls and pretending He's not home Telemarketers are finally able to reach God, knowing His weakness for magazine subscriptions God gets pissed, because His real number was really close to that of a pizzeria and He just had it changed Buddha, a big Lakers fan, finally decides to get a cell phone so Phil Jackson can call him

Really, I'm not this narcissistic Today is comedian Bon Hope's 100th birthday. But is that really such a big deal? He's 100, and though that's pretty old, what's he gonna do now? Is he gonna climb Mount Everest? No. Swim the English Channel? No. Watch reruns of "Three's Company" while drooling on his golf club? Very likely. He'll get some presents and a "Happy Birthday" from Willard Scott, and ya won't hear about him again til he kicks the bucket. Which brings me to the issue at hand: it's almost my 21st birthday! Clearly I've got a lot more things to accomplish, and will not be watching any "Three's Company" reruns anytime soon (well, ya never know). Attention should turn to me and what I'll be doing this summer with my newfound right to puke in an alleyway. Should be a lot more exciting than the life of a 100-year-old. I'm curious as to how it'll turn out, and you should be too.

Tuesday, May 27, 2003

Back from outer space I went upstate for Memorial Day weekend and I got back today (well now it's yesterday). Upstate New York is completely different from New York City. For instance: NYC--> Lots to do Upstate--> Nothing to do And that’s it. It’s really boring up there, and I don’t see how the locals can stand it. The most exciting thing to do seemed to be going to Wal-Mart. There are all these little towns with populations lower than the whole viewership of “Watching Ellie.” Every house looks beat up and uninhabitable, but people live there. And at the end of every town is a cemetery of the people who used to live in that town. Even at death they can’t escape. Another difference: NYC--> Lots of different looking people Upstate--> Hickville, USA You’d think the people upstate would be somewhat similar to city folk, but they’re not. Flannel jackets and John Deere caps are all the rave up north. Great to where while driving your pick-up truck. I kinda wish someone had just given me a “you’re not from around here, are ya, boy?” That would have been great. Also: NYC-->Strangers give you the finger Upstate--> Strangers wave to you I really don’t like these places where ya gotta wave to total strangers to be polite or whatever. Too much of a hassle. Hell I don’t like to make eye contact with people on the train, let alone talk to them. Leave me alone. No need to welcome me into town, I’m just a weird city slicker. Avoid me like the plague. After all, how come I’m not carrying a rifle? Which brings me to the next issue… NYC--> Some people have guns Upstate--> Everyone has a gun You say you’re from NY, and foreigners tell you not to shoot them. But people in the city really don’t have that many guns (excluding drug dealers, cops, and other intimidating fellows) Upstate, you just know everyone has a gun. Although they can be polite, they’re also packin’ heat. Don’t steal anyone’s tractor, or you’ll regret it. This is probably how the whole waving to strangers thing got started, to show you weren’t gonna shoot’em. “Not gonna shoot, see?” “Yup, me neither.” Anyway, I gotta go unpack my stuff from Wal-Mart.

Tuesday, May 20, 2003

"There is no blog" I got to see "Matrix Reloaded" over the weekend. I liked it, and for those who saw it I just have one question out of the many I could ask(and I'm not ruining it for you of you didn't): Was that scene where the guy relays Neo the spoon the most pointless tie in to the first movie? Did we really have to see that? Unless the kid has a big part in the next movie, it was pretty lame.

Saturday, May 17, 2003

Quack Quack The Anaheim Mighty Ducks made it to the Stanley Cup Finals when they completed a sweep of the Minnesota Wild last night with a 2-1 win. The first goal was scored by Charlie Conway, and the other by Fulton "One Out of Five" Reed, off an assist from Adam Banks. Goldberg had 32 saves on the night, and Coach Bombay was very pleased with the victory. "After Charlie scored on that Flying V, I knew we would win," he said. The Ducks will move on to play an evil team, possibly the Devils.

Friday, May 16, 2003

4-get it Last night, the Los Angeles Kobe Bryants lost to the San Antonio Spurs and were eliminated from the playoffs. They will not 4-peat as NBA champs. LA seemed pretty disappointed, being that they had paid the refs a lot of money the last few years and knew they should've chalked up a little more this time. They had some comments: Robert Horry: "I should've thrown in my Bentley. I told them the Benz, but they wanted that Bentley. I should've listened." Shaquille O'Neal: "Shaq just thought that Shaq could win this time with less money and more cheap jump shots. Now that Shaq has some more free time, Shaq is going to film Shaq's long awaited project, 'Kazaam 2.'" Phil Jackson: "Why, Buddha, why?" Kobe: "I'm still the next Michael Jordan, right?"

Wednesday, May 14, 2003

Toilet Humor Microsoft announced that the iLoo was not a gag after all, but a project that was cancelled. In case you didn't hear, the iLoo was designed to be a toilet with Internet access. As if we don't spend enough time in the bathroom. Or online. They wanted to combine the two. Plus, look how abundant porn is on the web. Masturbation would be that much easier. Even worse, it was for a porta-potty. Imagine putting up with the stench while dealing with pop-up ads. Now that's luxury. But iLoo? That's a dumb name. How about "The Shit N' Surf" or "The Pooptop." Much more marketable.

Tuesday, May 13, 2003

Post 2: The Second One As you may have already noticed, there are a slew of movie sequels coming out this summer. Here's just a sample: One man will "reload" to rid his land of mind controlling machines in... P.S.-More fake posters to come...

Monday, May 12, 2003

Review I went with my family to a restaurant yesterday for Mother's Day. The place, Il Forneto, was in Sheepshead Bay and I advise no one in that area to go there. Ever. First of all, we had a 2 o'clock reservation. We don't get seated til 2:45 cuz they had to give us this table that these people were sitting at, and they weren't getting up. They weren't even eating, just having a blast while we waited, chit chatting away. I really just wanted to jump on the table and threaten them with a cheese grater, but I didn't want to upset Mom. Just so ya know, Roll' N Roaster is right across the street from this place. We finally get seated at some other table, after being the only people left in the waiting area. That's just the lowest feeling right there, when everyone gets seated ahead of you even when they come later. Looking out the window, you could see Roll' N Roaster. I swear I heard it laughing at us. Then our waiter totally sucks ass. He's really slow, it takes him 30 minutes to bring me a Coke. My Italian grandfather has to start talking to him and slow him down even more, cuz he just assumes everyone speaks Italian. He didn't. Since it was a holiday, they had this small menu designed to get people in and out quickly (which worked brilliantly, by the way). It came on a scroll. I felt like I chartered the table. "I claim this table for dinner." After waiting some more, we get our food. Mine of course is the wrong order, and it's cold. And I was late for work. It was also one of these places that puts a mandatory gratuity, which is just bullshit. It's a gratuity because it is given freely, as a reward for good service. You don't tell me what the tip is gonna be. I should be able to pick my server then. How am I supposed to get back at the waiter for crappy service? I can't spit in the food and send it back. In conclusion, don't go to Il Forneto.

Danger! A new book tells about a 19-year-old intern that JFK kept around for sexual favors. Obvious Clinton Joke Alert: Do NOT watch Leno tonight. I repeat, do NOT watch Leno.

Saturday, May 10, 2003

Oy! Jewish Jeans Look at those prices, dahling!

Living in a Copyright Paradise Eminem isn't going to let Weird Al Yankovic do a video for his new song, "Couch Potato." The song is a parody of Slim Shady's "Lose Yourself." Having Weird Al do a parody of you is like a rite of passage for music artists. You know you've made it big when he wants to change your song into one about food, "Star Wars," or the Amish. He's gonna let him do the song just fine, but no video? That's messed up. He also can't release the song as a single. It shows once again how Eminem can dish it out but can't take it. I better watch what I say, though. Don't wanna wind up on the next Slim album. "Barely qualifies as news, ya gonna lose, your site I'm gonna sue, You're nobody, you're on Mars, Gonna hit you worse than a Chinese guy with SARS" That was sad, I know. Weird Al's new album will also have parodies of songs by Avril Lavigne and Nelly. Talk about shooting fish in a barrel.

Wednesday, May 07, 2003

Rey-diculous!!!!!!!!!!! Rumor has it that Rey Sachez of the New York Mets had a haircut in the clubhouse during a game. This isn't the first time an Amazin' has been caught doing some other activity in the locker room. Like when Rickey Henderson was playing cards during Game 6 of the 1999 NLCS. Or that other time when Mike Piazza got smoked by Mr. Met in between a double header.

Monday, May 05, 2003

Crap is the Word! It looks like they're gonna make "Grease 3," set in the 70's. It's a good thing, too, after the box office smash "Grease 2: Eugene's Revenge," fans have been eagerly awaiting the last installment of the Grease trilogy. Expect some secrets to arise from the characters' pasts: Danny Zuko is actually an alien sent to destroy the Earth (Note: I don't feel like wasting my life watching "Battlefield Earth," so I just assume that's what Travolta does in that stellar film). Olivia Newton-John will fight Courtney Cox-Arquette and Jada Pinkett-Smith among others in a hyphenated last name battle royale. Rizzo=Lesbo Frenchy will be recast as a new character, "Freedomy" Frankie Avalon comes back as the Teen Angel but this time in the form of a fat black woman. Greased Lightening is now an artificially intelligent robot and goes by the name KITT, voiced by Don Knotts.

Sunday, May 04, 2003

KKK Divas The Dixie Chicks only had like 10 protestors at their first show of their U.S. tour. However, it's believed they were merely protesting the crappy music being played that night.

Saturday, May 03, 2003

Those berets have mouse ears.. Iraq is going to be divided into at least 3 sectors and will be under the control of multinational troops, i.e., U.S. and Britain. I'm sure each sector will grow to hate each other as time goes by. Here's what the new Iraq will look like:

Thursday, May 01, 2003

"Nucular" Boy President Bush was the co-pilot of the jet carrying him to the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln today. "Yes, I flew it, " he said to reporters. I think there's a little too much VIP treatment going to this guy. If he wasn't the president, he wouldn't get to fly Navy jets or throw out the first pitch at the World Series or live in the White House. It's just cuz he's the Commander in Chief, and that just isn't fair. You and I can't do those kind of things. What's up with that? Ya think being president is the hardest job out there? Try being a photographer for Playboy. Or the heir to the Firestone Tire fortune embarrassing your whole family and business on some cheesy reality show. Or a professional dog walker.