Saturday, November 29, 2003

Bread and butter Ya know, I'd love to see more of these cheerleading movies. They're simply fantastic. Competing squads duke it out in a contest to show who is the best while drama unfolds among the characters themselves. Personally I hope they make at least 15 or 16 a year, because they just keep getting better and better. It's also great when it's a marching band or dance squad instead of cheerleaders. Changes things up a bit and keeps it fresh. Boy, I can't wait for the next one. Good work, Hollywood!

Friday, November 28, 2003

I'm Tartar Control Crest I'm really sick of all these sites out there that tell you "what kind of xyz you are." It started off simple enough, like with what 'Simpsons' character you are. But there's one for everything now; what car you are, what canned vegetable you are, what brand of toothpaste you are, etc. (I'm not sure if all those are real, but they might as well be cuz it's gotten way out of hand). Go to any other blog right now and you're bound to find a few of these on anyone's homepage in a lame attempt to acclimate them to a society they already fit like a glove into. Sure, I fit into society too. I never said I was freakin' Gandhi over here (see, there's me fitting right into Brooklyn). But I don't need to let everyone know what Powerpuff Girl I am, simply since it DOES NOT MATTER. We've accepted you already, you don't have to prove yourself to us anymore. You can relax now, you're in. Damn, look at me gettin all quasi-sociological. I need me a beverage.

Turkey Day The president went to Iraq yesterday to have a surprise Thanksgiving dinner with the troops. Typical Bush. Crashes the party, eats, takes some pictures, then hightails it out of there before someone can put a rifle in his hands. Didn't even try to look for Saddam.

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

Yin and Yang Just some things I'm thankful for this Thanksgiving: -Family -Friends -Swedish fish -Stolen sex tapes -Pajama bottoms -Shoehorns And some things I'm not thankful for: -Fox's Good Day Live -Waterbugs -Licorice -Guys who clip their fingernails on the subway -Pajama bottoms (when worn outdoors as pants) -Trading Spaces, While You Were Out, and all the other home improvement shows on The Learning Channel -Vanilla Coke/Vanilla Pepsi -Refrigerator magnets -Mechanical pencils -Leap years -People who constantly make lists

Big Loser Doesn't Care That He Can Keep Cell Number Uses Phone Only for "Emergencies" A Pennsylvania man said he didn't really mind if changing his cell phone service would force him to change his number, official said today. Jack Mullin, a 54-year-old Pittsburgh man, said changing his number had no affect on his switching cell phone service from Cingular to Verizon this past week. "I only use the phone for emergencies really, " said Mullin. "I'd say offhand only two or three people have my number. It wouldn't be a huge hassle for me to tell them a new one. But I guess now I'll keep the same one since Verizon will let me. Cingular can roll over my ass for all I care." Mullin once used his phone to call AAA when he got a flat tire on the New Jersey Turnpike last May. He also says he used it to call his wife after realizing he forgot a shopping list. "It was right there on the table," he said. "I couldn't believe I left it there."

Saturday, November 22, 2003

The AC I got back today from my one night stand in Atlantic City. I went there with about 12 friends (you're not the only one out there with double-digit friends, Jesus) and it was kind of like any other of our weekends out, except we had to take a lot more car service cuz our hotel was way out in the ghetto area of Atlantic City. There were some nice houses there though, but in the middle of empty plots of land and liquor stores. Some got wasted, some got lost, some got a little of both. And the streets are named after states, so I also felt like I was in a game of Monopoly all night. However, for the record I didn't go directly to jail or pass "Go."

Thursday, November 20, 2003

Dick (To be read like those 'Real Men of Genius' Bud Light commercials) Today, we salute you, Mr. Pulls the Emergency Brake on the Subway for No Good Reason. Chorus: //Mr. Pulls the Emergency Brake on the Subway for No Good Rea-ea-son// If not for you, we all would have gotten to work on time for once, and met up with our people for a hardy lunch. But you got into an argument with some lady over a seat and pulled the brake, screwing over everyone on that train and the ones behind it. //Screwed over everyone// Had you not been elderly, you probably would've gotten your ass beaten by every man, woman, and child in the car. Instead, we just cursed you out and gave you dirty looks to show our feelings for you at that moment. //We hope you die// Thank you, Mr. Emergency Break Puller, for once showing us that together, New Yorkers can hate anyone we feel like.

The waiting is over... Yes, today was my last day at work. Now I have to wait just 44 years til my Social Security kicks in. My lovely parting gifts included coin wrappers and a check book register, which I took myself. And I'm off to Atlantic City tomorrow. Cuz I might as well blow my last paycheck on slot machines and all you can eat buffets.

Friday, November 14, 2003

The Sky is Falling (on me) At work today (countdown at T-4 workdays left. What does the "T minus" mean anyway? All I know is that's what you say before a countdown. Oh well it's not important. Meanwhile, back at the ranch...) a piece of the ceiling fell not too far from my terminal. No one got hurt, which is good, cuz the lucky bastard woulda made more money off it then I've ever made, and he may not have even worked there. If was a piece of foam too I think, so it wouldn't have done much damage. That wouldv'e been kinda like getting hit really hard by someone waving a big "We're #1" finger. To think that the guy who invented the "We're #1" finger is probably living on some island in the Caribbean somewhere, and all he did was take some crap lying around in his garage, put it on his hand, and went to a ballgame. So incredibly simple. Must've felt like an idiot though that first night. Sitting there, people pointing and laughing at the guy. And you gotta figure the finger would have looked pretty raw, being the first of its kind. Might've not even had the individual fingers painted on. Damn, what the hell am I talking about? So back to the Chicken Little experience. If that thing had somehow killed me, it would have been one of those "...with only one week til retirement" type things. Spooky.

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

The Original Ed Norton Now we've lost Art Carney. Where will it all end? The tribute at the Oscars next year to the recently deceased celebs is gonna make the show about 6 hours longer. Cut out the acceptance speeches and it'll even out though.

Monday, November 10, 2003

One for the books I finally told my boss today I was quitting, and I admit although I was nervous doing it, it feels good now. Like they say, do like a Band-Aid and rip that sucker off. I'm now in that two week notice period of the job where I can do almost whatever I want, because I'm leaving anyway and no one wants to bother writing me up or firing me at this point. I'm untouchable. And little did I know the day would snowball into one of the best ever. Before taking possibly the easiest test ever in college, I found $4 on the street! Imagine, I actually found money in the desolate streets of New York. Today is up there with the Christmas I got a pony and the day I invented hopscotch.

Sunday, November 09, 2003

Elation Tomorrow I'm quitting my job. This must be how God felt the day before he told Noah about the flood. Only this is a lot less important, and there will be no need to find two porcupines. And I'm not sure if Noah got two weeks notice.

Friday, November 07, 2003

Beware: Economic Subject Matter Ahead Employment data was released today, and the news was good: unemployment fell. You would think the stock market would go up because of this, but actually it fell because now it looks like the Fed will raise interest rates. Or it may have fallen because it rained last night, who knows. The reason is bullshit 99% of the time. That's what I hate about the stock market. You could have good news but investors twist it and turn it around to give it a negative spin and then suddenly good news is bad news. If unemployment was up, would the market have gone up? Probably not. It's a catch-22 I tell ya.

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

But should we blame it on the rain? As much as I hate talking about the weather, I'm going to. To me, it's a topic strangers feel they need to talk about because it affects everyone and it's an easy ice breaker. But I think it should only be discussed if there's a hurricane or a tornado approaching. Some rare weather phenomenon that's going to rock everyone's world so to speak. Otherwise, strangers should talk about what celebrity they hate most or describe the ugliest person they know. Something personal but not too personal where you don't think the other is a weirdo. But I digress. Back to the weather. It rained today in New York, so I'm walking home and other people's umbrellas keep hitting my umbrella. Now proper umbrella etiquette I've been told is that the taller person is supposed to raise his over the shorter's. But now umbrellas aren't small anymore. There are people walking around with these mammoth beach umbrellas with one person underneath taking up half the sidewalk. Most of these people aren't that fat, they don't need an umbrella that big. These are raindrops falling, people. Not Gatorade baths from the offensive line. How am I supposed to get around these things? Get a reasonable, single serving umbrella, or start a circus under that thing.

Sunday, November 02, 2003

Stay, Puff I went to Bay Ridge this morning and as you can see, Puff Daddy's biggest fans turned up at the NYC Marathon to support him.