Lock All Your Doors, I Don't Feel Safest at All I finally got to go to the International Auto Show at the Javits Center. I'm not really a car guy. Sure, I like nice cars, but I don't know jack shit about'em. Car guys will for whatever reason assume I know about cars and talk to me using fancy lingo like "engine" and "seat belt," and I nod, pretending I know what it is they're talking about. I can drive the damn thing, that's all I need to know. It's nice looking at new cars and all, but also sad in a lot of ways, cuz you know you'll never be able to buy the top models. I was sitting in this new high-end Volkswagon (yes, that's correct, high-end Volkswagon) with a fridge inside, TV screens on the back of the headrests, and massaging chairs. Nice car, but I can't afford it. And neither can most of the people sitting in the driver's seats of all these cars. I see people get in, turn the lights on, turn the blinker on, or look in the trunk. "Ooh a trunk, that must cost extra. And look, I can make a light flicker to indicate which way I intend to turn." Get out, sir. It's a car, not a Stealth Bomber. You don't look like a car expert just because you moved the seat back. Have you ever bought an automobile because of an amazing glove compartment? I thought not.