Friday, January 30, 2004

Last Random Thought/First Haphazard Notion Due to the large amount of blog and journal posts all over the Internet labeled "random thoughts," they will hereby be known on this site as "haphazard notions." When that name gets ubiquitous, I'll play it by ear. Side Haphazard Notion: People only say "play it by ear" when they don't have a clue what to do later. Not me, ya know, people.

To Insolvency, And Beyond! Disney will no longer be the distributor for Pixar's movies come 2006. It looks like Pixar wanted a bigger share of the profits and corporate giant Disney was all "uh-uh." I assume Michael Eisner figured an agreement with the animation studio would cause the money to continue rolling in, and he didn't want to get wiped out in a tidal wave of cash. Steve Jobs, founder of Pixar and Apple Computer, may have even tried to release a smaller version of Mickey Mouse in neon colors to fool the public into thinking he was cooler. Also, Pixar wanted to branch into the adult film industry, which Disney didn't want any part of, the obvious reason being that if Walt Disney were alive today he would've wanted way more ass shots than Pixar was planning on. You can find "A Jug's Life" and "Finding Creamo" in select theaters next Christmas.

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

Me Love You Wrong Time? I just read that a Japanese minor leaguer in the Cleveland Indians farm system did a gay porno movie because he and his college teammates needed the money. Your teammates needed the money? You played backyard bonanza with some dude so your teammates had money? If you wanna do those films then okay, but at some part your friends have to learn to get cash from their own gay pornos. I admire the dedication to your friends, though I don't think the end (no pun intended) justifies the means. There are part-time jobs out there. McDonald's is always hiring. At the end of the guy's speech (yes, he had a speech prepared about his porno), he stated he wasn't gay. That just makes everyone sleep better at night, doesn't it? It's okay to do gay porn as long as you're straight. No one's gonna think about it any longer. And in case you were wondering, as far as I know Mike Piazza was not in the movie.

Change Clothes and Snows Somtimes it's difficult to tell when you no longer feel like a kid and start feeling like an adult. Maybe it's your high school graduation, or your first full-time job, or the day you move off your parents' private island and live on a farm for a month. One such event is happening to me: it's snowing, and I don't want it to. When you're a kid, snow is always your friend, and you wonder why all the grown-ups around you curse its arrival like the Nets coming to Brooklyn. You play in it, school closes, and those same grown-ups even pay you to move it for them. White gold is what it is. But now I don't care for God's dandruff so much. My school doesn't close for anything. They'd expect us to swim to Manhattan or parachute in if the trains weren't working (and then mark us down for being late--ain't city college grand?). So it just gets in the way. No one pays me to shovel their driveway anymore and playing in the snow makes people you feel funny when other people your age are getting married and starting 401(k)s. My glory days have passed. Almost time to enter the work force.

Monday, January 26, 2004

The Boonedocks Aaron Boone, a Yankee hero for about 6 minutes last season, hurt his knee playing basketball and may have to miss all of the 2004 season. And they probably won't have to pay him his entire salary for this year because of a contract stipulation regarding him getting hurt playing basketball. There is a new hope in Yankeeville. But it sounds too good to be true. I bet Steinbrenner hired some lackeys to take him out. What's that I hear? Is it Alfonso Soriano's elbow shattering? Bernie Williams' guitar smashing him in the face? Jason Giambi's balls shrinking? Better watch out, bullpen.

Sunday, January 25, 2004

Jikes! The Rangers lost 9-1 in last night's game, Jaromir Jagr's first with the team. Already changing the course of this squad. Of all the old players to get, they couldn't at least pick up a goalie? Let's get Patrick Roy out of retirement and onto the Garden ice. What they really need is a new president. Might I suggest Isiah Thomas? I hear he's doing wonders with another team.

Saturday, January 24, 2004

In Bloom Say what you want about Bloomberg, the guy has balls. He now invited Dr. Atkins' widow to a steak dinner to try and clean the slate between the two. Seems to me like he's rubbing it in that the guy died cuz he was fat. As you may already know, Dr. Atkins died last year after slipping on a walkway covered in veal. But hey, free steak.

Thursday, January 22, 2004

Space Junk I hate to jump to conclusions, especially since you can look back in the old posts and see that I clearly did, but it appears that the Mars rover is screwing up. NASA scientists are having trouble communicating with it. I knew it, NASA screwed up again. Can we shut down this whole NASA program already? They use up a lot of our tax money and what do we get for it? Moon rocks and funerals. Bush wants to send astronauts to Mars, so I guess that's a 'no.' Deficit cut in half in 5 years my ass. And there's another rover landing on Mars this weekend, Earth time. This planet is just a big sandbox for rocket scientists. Buy these guys a Tonka truck, maybe then they'll be happy.

Year of the Monkey Pox? Happy Chinese New Year. It's the Year of the Monkey. Hate to burst your bubble, China, but it's January 22nd! You're 21 days late! He he he (covering mouth while giggling).

A Deficit Grows in Brooklyn Looks the Nets have been sold to Bruce Ratner, the guy who wants to bring the team to Brooklyn. First things first. Sure, we need an arena for the team and a guy to bring the CD that pumps the artificial crowd noise, but let's be rational for a minute: The name "Nets" is gay. The team is named after part of the basket. You can't expect me to root for a team with that moniker. There's no "Chicago Hardwood Floors" or "Miami Three Point Lines." We need a new nickname. How bout "the Brooklyn Double Parkers" or "the Brooklyn Stray Cats Who Pee in Your Bushes"? Too long? We'll find one that fits, don't worry.

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

State of the Ruin I find it difficult to watch W for a prolonged amount before I want to smash my head against the wall. During the State of the Union speech tonight when they announced "the president," I was looking behind Bush for the real Commander in Chief. Three years and I'm still not used to him. Let's just hope southern America doesn't screw us over again in November. I think this time Oklahoma has some tricks up its sleeve. But I digress. I had to flip to something pointless to take my mind off the speech, and just my luck: 3 episodes in a row of Real World! The speech is of course on every major network for some reason. UPN and the WB don't have to go there, and instead show high-quality episodes of The Hughleys or What I Like About You, perhaps. For this I salute them. So blah blah blah Medicare. Blah blah blah terrists (not a typo). Blah blah blah weapons of mass fodder. Back on RW, chicks were making out with each other. No contest here. And the camera kept cutting to not just senators and military officials, but random kids and Patriots QB Tom Brady. I thought Snoop Dogg and Pharrell from the Neptunes would to be there, too, but they must have declined the invitation. The speech was being read from those glass panels on stands, as if no one can tell that's where it's coming from. Just two paneless windows in the middle of the floor for no reason. Sneeze guards maybe. But the constant standing ovations get me the most annoyed. I expected some drunk guy in the first row wearing a 'Boston Sucks' T-shirt to stand up and lead the way. "C'mon, get up! It's the State of the Union speech!" Do do do do, do do Charge!

Computer Savvy I tried to turn on my computer today, but it didn't start up right away because I left a floppy diskette in the A drive. You'd think these advanced computers wouldn't have a problem with a simple occurrence like that, but it seems to through the whole machine out of whack. You can watch movies, play music, edit video, and have Al Gore's Internet device at your fingertips unless you forgot to eject the 1.44 megabyte behemoth. Then it's time to give the baby his bottle: take the disk out and find the always allusive any key. Proceed with caution.

Monday, January 19, 2004

Post Ahead I'm trying to understand why there are street signs that tell you there's another sign coming up, like the one with the red octagon and the arrow that tells you that you're approaching an unfinished stop sign. Makes you wonder if we should tone it down a little with all these things.

Sunday, January 18, 2004

Video Vault You've probably seen the Beastie Boys video for "Fight for Your Right," since you're probably in the 18-45 male demographic bracket I think this site attracts (there's definitely a problem if I'm mostly getting the 65+ female zookeeper crowd). Anyway, I saw it recently and it hit me that their idea of a party is throwing cream pies at each other. How did this song become an anthem?

Friday, January 16, 2004

Green Giant The Empire State Building is lit up in green tonight in honor of the 75th anniversary of Popeye (think spinach). I like how there's no way anyone would assume that by seeing it. "Hey, the building is green tonight. I wonder why." "Hmm, must be the 75th anniversary of Popeye today or something."

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

The Real Stiller The new Ben Stiller/Jennifer Aniston movie Along Came Polly comes out this Friday. Aniston's been typecast as "the girlfriend" again, like in Bruce Almighty, Rock Star, Office Space, etc. Don't worry, folks. This film also contains a good old fashioned Ben Stiller-causing-trouble-in-the-bathroom scene. We all remember him for getting stuck in his fly in There's Something About Mary (everyone forgets about the word "there's" in the title). Then he let a running toilet lead to a septic tank leak in Meet the Parents. Now, he makes the toilet overflow in Polly. There could be more bathroom scenes, but I don't have all day to research it. I like to pretend I have a life.

Justin Forceable BUTLER, Pa. - A woman who was drunk when she killed a man in a head-on collision must carry a photograph of the teacher in his coffin as part of her five years of probation, a judge ruled. -AP I like this ruling. Though it works well in this particular situation, it wouldn't in others. You don't wanna force a child molestor to carry around a photo of his victim. Creepy. And a cannibal would just get hungry.

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

He's Still a Red Sock I knew Clemens couldn't be trusted. But wait, which monument's forehead is he gonna rub now before the game for pretentious good luck? He's doomed. Kenny Rogers also signed with the Texas Rangers, in a move to no doubt upstage the Rocket, which no doubt didn't work.

Sunday, January 11, 2004

Into the Mind of Bret Favre "OK, it's overtime. Whoever scores first wins. The ball is snapped. Defenders coming at me. No one open. I think I will...I will...hurl the ball up in the air and hope someone on my team catches it!!"

Saturday, January 10, 2004

Petition HBO could fill you in on 5th season of 'Sopranos,' but they'd have to kill you -San Francisco Chronicle headline Can we stop using the "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you" line, please? It gets mentioned every time a mobster movie or show or musical comes out, and I'm really sick of it. Not just there, though. Any time someone has a secret they don't wanna tell or wants a legitimate reason to murder you, this line gets whipped out faster than a bad reality show on Fox. Let's all put an end to trite mob quotations. I know it's an offer you can't refuse.

Friday, January 09, 2004

Gasp! To get onto the Martian surface, the rover is going to have to turn around and use a different ramp because the optimal one is blocked by the air bag used to cushion its landing. Good thing NASA sprung for that more expensive Mars rover at Radio Shack. Imagine if it went all the way there and wasn't able to bring us more rocks? I'd die. I would just die. And it's another sign that air bags are the work of the devil/Angela Lansbury. Air bags, she wrote indeed. Shoulda sent a Hummer over there.

Phew! The terror alert level has been lowered to yellow again. Finally, we can go back to living normal lives. Oh, how I've waited for this moment!

Thursday, January 08, 2004

When life gives you lemons, make with the cleavage If you saw "The Apprentice" tonight, you now know that the only way to sell lemonade in this town is to have a pair of tits.

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

Rocket Science? These NASA guys have no idea what to make of anything on Mars. Maybe they're just on cloud nine cuz they didn't royally screw up this mission yet, but they sound like they just want to impress us, as if we never would have believed the planet had rocks on it. "Yes, this stone formation over here could possibly have been from a glorious civilization where people lived for thousands of years at the foot of an inactive volcano that one day erupted and eradicated the entire population. Or it could just be a bunch of rocks. It's anybody's guess!"

"My Prison Without Bookies" by Pete Rose and Writer Guy Pete Rose finally admitted it (or at least part of it): he bet on baseball. Look at me, I'm the victim, let me in the Hall of Fame pretty please, Mr. Selig. You lied for all these years, and now you realize you better start a campaign and straighten up your act, say a few Hail Marys and you're in. Go scratch your ass, Rose. He still didn't admit to betting against his own team. If they can kick out 8 Black Sox for fixing the 1919 World Series, then Rose can sit on the bench for eternity. We might as well make a real life Hall of Shame, where Rose can be of the first inducted, along with George Steinbrenner, Michael Jordan the baseball player, that guy in the crowd who stole the foul ball away from Moises Alou in the NLCS, and Pat Kelly. C'mon, Pat Kelly sucked. And there's room for so many more.

Monday, January 05, 2004

Words of Greatness "We want the ball and we're gonna score!" --Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck after winning the coin toss but before throwing the game-losing interception in overtime

Saturday, January 03, 2004

Yay? They pulled a 97-year-old woman out of the rubble in Iran ALIVE. I'm sure she'll be a huge asset in rebuilding the population. I bet she's one of those old people who can't wait to die, either.

Off the hook? Maybe Jacko should just do a special where his friends talk about the parenting skills of Steve Irwin.

Friday, January 02, 2004

Ignoring the Pink Elephant with the Fake Trunk They just aired this Michael Jackson special on CBS with all these celebrities talking about how great he is and/or was. It's more positive publicity shoved in our faces about Jacko that's not gonna adjust one viewpoint on him. We used to think he was just a great singer/dancer, but now he's a child molester/dangler. It's not gonna change. We all know he's crazy. They can go on about how cool the Moonwalk is and how he's everyone's pop idol, but that was the past. You don't see Alice from "The Brady Bunch" always saying how great she was on that show. She took that thing to the top and no one gives her credit. And all the celebs are yacking away like there wasn't a lawsuit in the world against the King of Pop. Beyonce and Quincy Jones and that tap dancer who isn't Gregory Hines are all saying how great an artist he is. All I wanted was for someone with some cogliones to be like, "And in addition to the "Thriller" video, the guy loves sleeping with children. Always used to talk about how much he can't get enough of 'em." Pure propaganda. I give it 0 stars.

I'm not sure if i should post this... No one can make up there damn minds anymore. Who's the number 1 team in college football? Two teams. Who's the MVP of the NFL? Two quaterbacks. What restaurant puts lots of dumb memorabilia on the walls and calls it "atmosphere"? Applebee's and TGIFriday's. We almost elected two presidents a few years ago (and the one who won didn't even win!). My point here is that no one goes out on a limb and picks just one. You can't have two winners. This is America. There is only room for one numero uno. This isn't Little League. You don't get a trophy just for playing. We need a Highlander.

Thursday, January 01, 2004

My Lucky Day My whole family ganged up on me today cuz I wasn't home last night when they ate lentils. Eating lentils on New Year's is this Italian good luck tradition that's supposed to bring you a lot of nagging relatives, I mean wealth. They tried to feed me them while we were already eating lunch like my entire financial future was in jeopardy unless I ate the damn lentils. All these years in college would just go to waste if I didn't consume this fortunate food. For the moment, it looks like I'm headed for the poorhouse.

Moonman I'm watching the 'Honeymooners' marathon they always play New Years Day on Channel 11. Even though its low tech and some of the dated references make no sense to me, ya gotta love the fat jokes.