Barely Qualifies as News

24: Day 6, 6 PM - 7 PM

2007-03-12T22:06:00.000-04:00

Ricky Schroder joins the cast! The former child actor is a real dick, too - choking Morris after dishing out his British charm. He could be Curtis' replacement as Jack's right-hand man.

Tonight's episode was good at the ends but slow in the middle. The whole show was spent waiting to see if CTU would attack the Russian consulate or if Martha Logan-Pierce would call Suvarov's wife and tell the consul to surrender. When she called two minutes after stabbing President Logan and Markov refused, it was a no brainer. Conclusion: Jack is freed, tells CTU that Gredenko is in the Shadow Valley, and rolls out with Schroder. Logan flatlines in the ambulance.

24: Day 6, 3 PM - 4 PM

2007-02-19T22:41:00.000-05:00

Just when Phillip had the chance to take out Jack he vanishes. Now Jack has to meet with his old pal President Logan (pardoned like his doppelganger Nixon?) to try and catch Gridenko. Lennox wound up getting involved in the assassination plot to thwart it but was beaten with the lead pipe in the storage room by Mr. Lowe before he could warn the Secret Service. Tonight's newly-revealed back story: Morris is a recovering alcoholic.

24: Day 6, 1 PM-3 PM

2007-02-12T22:18:00.000-05:00

Good two hours tonight. Morris was rescued but not before arming one nuke and giving Fayed the ability to set off the others. Strange, because for the first bomb they needed a piece of hardware to complete the device, and this time Fayed needed the software programmed. Also, not five minutes the kidnapping did Milo tell Buchanon that Chloe was not concentrating on her work as a result. Nobody likes a micromanager. The ties between Phillip Bauer, the Russian arms dealer, and Lennox and his assistant also seem to be coming together in a plot to kill the president. Best of all - no Sandra Palmer for two hours!

Why Al Gore Should Be the Next President

2007-02-08T23:05:00.000-05:00

All the attention lately for the 2008 presidential election (which we shouldn't even be talking about yet) has gone to Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, Rudy Giuliani, and a cavalcade of other knowns and unknowns. The best candidate, however, is a movie star, and I don't mean Arnold. Al Gore is the man for the job. Sure, he's thought of as that dull, tree-hugging vice president who got robbed of the presidency by cataract-laden geezers. However, with his Oscar-nominated film An Inconvenient Truth bringing to light the facts about global warming and Bush's approval rating in the shitter, he's never had more of an "I told you so" aspect to him. This is Gore's chance to come out of the shadows and ride his newfound popularity to the Oval Office. If Gore had been president, there's no way our troops get stuck in Iraq. He could reap a huge sympathy vote from Americans feeling bad that he was shafted in 2000. He's also a Southern Democrat, which is likely the only way the hicks will elect a non-GOP candidate. Plus, do you really want Hillary to be president?

24: Day 6, 12 PM-1 PM

2007-02-06T22:16:00.000-05:00

They kidnapped Morris! Fayed, needing someone to arm the nukes, sends CTU a bulletin saying Morris' brother was in the hospital. Not a minute after he leaves does his face show up on a de-encrypted file as the guy Fayed has to capture. McCarthy cuts off Morris' car and kidnaps him. I'm not sure why CTU didn't trace the source of the bulletin. Do they subscribe to news updates from The Onion, too? After killing Graem's goons, Jack and his dad, Phillip, meet CTU agents at Graem's place. Jack tortures his brother with chemicals via IV, who admits to setting up the assassination of President Palmer I, Tony, and Michelle. Jack nearly shoots Graem in the head when he hears this, but seeing his dad there calms him down. Jack then gets picked up by a helicopter. Later it's revealed that Graem and Phillip (or should I call him "Mr. Bauer"?) are still in cahoots. Bauer the Elder then injects a poison into the still-hooked-up IV and kills Graem. This was so he wouldn't have to worry about his son cracking under further interrogation at CTU. Phillip alerts the medical staff that his son's "had a seizure." Sure, the IV could've been the first thing removed, but left open the door for additional mischief. Two hours next week, starting at 8 instead of 9. Oh yeah, and Walid's stable.

24: Day 6, 11 AM-12 PM

2007-01-29T22:01:00.000-05:00

More drama (since this is a drama) - Jack and his dad are taken hostage by his brother and his goons, Karen Hayes resigned after being blackmailed by Lennox, and Walid was beat up after the other men in the concentration camp found out he was wearing a wire. The Jack vs. Graem battle should be good, although in the preview for next week Graem was back in the chair in his house tied up my Jack again. The previews always ruin the tension; they should just stop showing them, or I should just change the channel. Sandra Palmer is definitely getting on my nerves. She's overacting and her character is annoying.

24: Day 6, 10-11 AM

2007-01-22T22:04:00.000-05:00

So now it's a family affair. The head of President Logan's secret brain trust winds up being Jack's brother. Interesting. Jack's AWOL father is also a contact of a USSR nuke specialist with ties to Fayed. More interesting. The hour ended with Jack draping a plastic bag over his brother's face after he tying him to a chair, prodding his bro for the location of their dear old dad. Oh yeah, nuclear fallout, blah blah blah.

24: Day 6, 8-10 AM

2007-01-15T23:12:00.000-05:00

A nuke went off and Jack shot Curtis. Nukes don't usually go off so early in the season, but there are still four others out there that Jack will have to find. They're likely all in the LA area just because Jack's there. It wouldn't have happened if that idiot hadn't brought the terrorists the missing piece. There's always a missing piece, isn't there, and only one guy who knows how to install it? Curtis keeled over after he was shot but there was no official word that he was dead, so there's a chance he could still be alive and be back out in the field later in the day. He had a personal vendetta against Assad going back to the first Gulf War and was ready to kill him, so Jack had to step in. Afterward, he vomited and lay in shock at what he had done to his friend. Creepy Lord of the Rings-ish music played and then a mushroom cloud pierced the sky.

24: Day 6, 6-8 AM

2007-01-14T22:43:00.000-05:00

I can finally start watching good prime time television again -24 is finally back! Tonight's first half of the two-night premiere didn't introduce us to the main attack of the day but allowed us to catch up on what's happened since Jack was hauled away but those angry Chinamen:

Wayne Palmer, David's brother, is now the president and suddenly has a sister
The country has been hit by several suicide bombings over the last 11 weeks and is creating prejudice towards Muslims
Jack was bought out of prison by President Palmer so he could be exchanged for the disclosure of a terrorist's location
Taj from Van Wilder is a terrorist, but if he might lay it all down for a few White Castle sliders
Karen Hayes, now a National Security advisor, and Bill Buchanon, still head of CTU, are married
Morris is again working at CTU and dating Chloe
Twenty months have passed since Day 5

No Audrey or Kim yet and there are several new faces working at CTU (since most people were killed off last season during a chemical attack). I don't buy Wayne Palmer as president. He looks too young and possibly benefited in the election by looking similar to Dave Chappelle, whom pretty much everyone loves. He also had a hand in taking down the corrupt President Logan. Since his brother was president, he was someone the public could trust. Here I am justifying a fake election result. Two more hours air tomorrow at 8.

Real Mission Accomplished

2006-12-30T11:51:00.000-05:00

Well, W got what he wanted - Saddam's dead. What did you think this war was about, freedom? All it cost him was the House, Senate, the support of his party, billions of dollars, and the lives of thousands of American soldiers and Iraqis. I'm sure now his approval rating will skyrocket.

Manatee & A

2006-12-13T22:21:00.000-05:00

In case you haven't checked out this hot manatee action: Hornymanatee.com

First, the Bad News...

2006-12-06T23:07:00.000-05:00

Can't find a gift for that tough person on your list, like a 60-year-old aunt or the Mexican who leers at you on your way to work? Look no further than the Iraq Study Group Report! Wouldn't you want that special someone to know how screwed we are over there? One major problem over there is that the Iraqi police rarely show up for work. Something tells me they haven't been introduced to donuts yet. Most of police work is just sitting around anyway, so why not get paid for it? I think the first sentence of the introduction sums it up nicely: "There is no magic formula to solve the problems of Iraq." Translation: We have no freakin' clue what to do! You can also download the report for free at usip.org.

Great Googley Moogley

2006-10-09T22:27:00.000-04:00

Google is buying YouTube for $1.65 billion in stock. I've got to get Google to buy this site. I think it's possible. Google, if your bots are patrolling, name your price. I'd probably get about $5 and a mousepad.

Will It Survive the Ratings?

2006-09-14T23:01:00.000-04:00

Tonight was the premiere of the controversial season of Survivor where the tribes are divided by race. I never watch this show so I don't care, but since the tribes are split into whites, blacks, Asians, and Latinos, shouldn't they just name the tribes Crackers, Wetbacks, Chinamen and, uh, African Americans, instead of those stupid made up names? Go for broke, no?

Joe Schmo

2006-08-09T21:24:00.000-04:00

So Lieberman loses the primary, concedes to Lamont, and then announces that he's going to run as an independent in the senatorial race anyway? Thanks for wasting our time and money, Joe. I guess that's the difference between parties these days: Republicans fix elections, Democrats just bypass them.

It's Not the Heat, It's the Stupidity

2006-08-03T21:03:00.000-04:00

This heat wave is getting a ridiculous amount of attention on the news in New York. For just about the entire 6 o'clock airing on CBS they're focusing on it, as if it's never been hot before. I mean it's really hot, around 100 degrees, but we're not in Alaska; we've been through this before, we know the routine. Then they show ways people are keeping cool, like eating ice cream and going to the beach, as if these are new practices that everyone should try. And that always vital crawl on the bottom of the screen bestows its infinite wisdom upon us, telling us to "stay inside" and "drink plenty of fluids," which are truly remarkable suggestions. Previously I was running laps around my block in my winter coat and eating cat food, but now I've seen the error of my ways.

If Castro kicks the bucket before the heat wave breaks tomorrow you'd never know it, because the city pools are open an hour later.

Headed Nowhere

2006-06-15T23:06:00.000-04:00

Whenever I see a guy with a big head, like "Holy crap, that guy has a big head" big, I always think of that old MTV cartoon The Head, where the guy had an alien living in his noggin. It makes me wonder if the guy has some sort of small creature living in there. I think it's possible.

24: 5 AM-7 AM

2006-05-23T00:04:00.000-04:00

Another day in the life of Jack Bauer comes to a close by overtaking a hijacked submarine, killing his ex-boss and a lead terrorist, kidnapping the president, and then being kidnapped by the Chinese he faked his death to last year. Should be an interesting season next year. And Chloe has an ex-husband? The guy has more personality in his toenails than she has in her whole body. How did they hook up? He'll definitely be back next season. He's like another Edgar, sans lisp.

Now More Famous Than Ringwald

2006-04-17T19:33:00.000-04:00

Thank the Lord, Molly the cat is finally out of that wall. I finally managed to sleep last night. This has to make last week qualify as slowest news week in history. Just what we needed, another street cat alive and well and appearing on Regis and Kelly. Did you notice how she was rescued right before some Natalee Holloway "news" surfaced? Totally planned.

24 Day 5: 9-10 PM

2006-03-28T17:34:00.000-05:00

Good episode last night. What struck me as odd was that Audrey didn't seem to mind that Jack choked her during interrogation, but he did kill her husband so I guess she's numb to that sort of thing. They ended up kissing later, so there you go. Jack managed to break Stenger in a matter of seconds this time (the things people will say when there's a gun in their face) and found out the nerve gas would be released into gas pipelines. Fast forward to the distribution center being blown up (preventing the gas from emanating into people's homes) and Jack dragging Beirko into a stolen police car as debris rained down on them. My guess is Jack is alive and Bierko is either dead or taken into custody, leaving the rest of the season to find Henderson. There's also the Wayne Palmer business and a another mole in the White House. Plus we'll see if Buchanon is put in holding again (it's like a rite of passage at CTU) on false sexual harrassment charges by that new girl.

24 Day 5: 8-9 PM

2006-03-21T22:33:00.000-05:00

I'm a little upset that Jack doesn't try to break anyone as hard as he used to. He would get them in a room and just hound them until he got the info out of them that he wanted. I think the only person he's broken this year was Spencer, and that was hardly a challenge. He couldn't break Rossler or Henderson or Collette Stenger and he didn't even try to break the German spy last night. He's negotiating left and right. Kick some ass! Now he's gotta break Audrey...

24 Day 5: 5 PM-7 PM

2006-03-06T22:57:00.000-05:00

Some big problems for CTU after tonight's latter episode: a lockdown after a nerve gas canister is released into the ventilation system and Edgar failed to make it into one of the sealed off rooms. I gotta admit I'll miss him. His incessant lisp was annoying at first but I grew to accept it and he was a big part of CTU (no pun intended). It seemed there were only two analysts who did any work and now it'll just be Chloe. Not sure what happened to Spencer at this point. Did he die or make it out or was he already removed from the premises? This show moves too fast to remember details. Plus they showed the X-Men 3 trailer during commercials. Looks pretty cool.

Crossing Over

2006-02-19T16:22:00.000-05:00

Although Lindsey Jacobellis totally screwed up her chance at Olympic gold in snowboard cross, something positive for her sport has erupted: everyone is talking about it, and everyone seems to love it. Even my grandfather. It looks like great fun assuming you don't fly out of a turn and get carried off on a stretcher. I think it's appeal lies in the inheritant danger of seeing four people snowboarding at once down a course laden with hills, turns, and gaits and hoping that they all crash and tumble down in a mass of snow and brightly colored singlets. It brings out my inner redneck. I've been told there are usually six snowboarders at once, which sounds even better. Hell, put 12 guys out there. It can only raise the entertainment value (translation: chances of serious injury).

And His Daughter's a Lesbo!

2006-02-12T20:01:00.000-05:00

Dick Cheney has apparently shot one of his buddies by accident during a hunting trip in Texas. He visited the guy in the hospital, so I guess he was sort of sorry. I can't really imagine what Cheney would look like when he's apologetic. He probably just makes that smarmy half-smile as he lights his cigar with a burning c-note.

They're Actually Mad That All the Virgins Are Gone

2006-02-08T23:19:00.000-05:00

Are Mideast Muslims upset because that Danish paper published a picture of Muhammed, or because he had a bomb in his turbin and it's offensive? Sadly, I think it's just the former. Yes, I've read up on it, but how many articles about angry Muslims can you read in a lifetime? Their whole day is protests and prayers.