Monday, December 30, 2002

Went to the barber today. While I waited, the only paper in English there was the New York Post (it's an old Italian shop). I could actually feel my brain cells committing suicide as I read it.

Being that it's the end of the year, I guess it would be fitting to do a "year in review" type thing. So let's review, shall we? The most surprising thing about 2002: the Angels won the World Series. Who the hell saw that coming? It better not happen again, because the rally monkey has replaced the Tomahawk chop as the most annoying sports gimmick. Wait, who am I kidding? The chop is still #1. Hey, good thing that silly recession is over, huh? Oh, wait, it's not. Get some ruby slippers, you'll be better off. Those analysts don't know shit. Osama. Dead? Alive? I say dead, but his identical twin we've never heard of comes back to avenge his brother's murder. Bush says he's gonna invade Iraq. Way to keep things quiet, Dubya. So the UN sends weapon inspectors to look for something there, but not before giving Sadam a few weeks to hide his weapons in Saudi Arabia or Iran, or maybe France. Can't trust those Frenchies. The Winter Olympics. Yes, that was this year. Yes, I'm sure. Bloomberg outlaws smoking everywhere. The only way to smoke now is in your basement, under a blanket, with the lights off and your head in a box. And the smokers want me to pity them. Don't hold your breath. The almost transit strike: made "contingency plan" a household phrase. Maybe the union wouldn't threaten to strike if the MTA didn't have to paint every subway station every week. Those "wet paint" signs are everywhere. Ya know how much paint costs? They'd save a lot. The first human clone: gotta be a hoax, that kid wouldn't have lived this long, though it just happened a few days ago. And the mother cloned herself, talk about being egotistical. She's so great the world deserves another of her? What did she do? Oh yea, she gave birth to the first clone.

Sunday, December 29, 2002

Made some changes to the site.

Thursday, December 26, 2002

The day after Christmas. Was in Rockaway yesterday and suddenly the lights go out. There was a blackout there for 5 hours, to go with the snowstorm. Simply lovely. We stayed there for maybe half of it, then came home (I make it sound like it was planned or something). I got mostly clothes, but also the gift that keeps on giving. Of course I'm talking about cash, the greatest present ever. I can buy what I want, not wear what I get. And I can combine it with other monetary gifts to get something even better! I can't take two sweaters and get a stereo. Give cash next year!

Saturday, December 14, 2002

The 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer' cartoon was on yesterday and it suddenly hit me: reindeer are rascist. Not to mention Santa himself. Then when Santa can't see through the fog they suddenly like him (how Santa sees without headlights in the night sky is yet another mystery). It's like Rudolph is a black kid in an all white school, and then they realize he's got a jumpshot. The Charlie Brown special was also on (they apparently made a second CB special, but who cares about that one). First of all, Brown buys that tree. It's not even a tree, it's a branch from a tree. They all make fun of him and rightfully so. He deserves it. Second, at the end his friends put decorations on it (stolen from Snoopy's dog house) and the "tree" grows about 300 times in width, with green galore. A minute earlier, Charlie Brown puts 1 ball on it and it's too much weight, it bends over. Laws of physics are broken everywhere. Third, it would be easier to take Linus seriously during his big soliloquy if he didn't always have that fucking blanket with him. In conclusion, it looks like The Grinch cartoon is the best holiday special of all time. No comparisons please.