Abandoning the Bandwagon The Yankees won this morning, 12-1, after people began giving up on the team, thinking about becoming Mets fans and giving up their religions when they lost the opener yesterday. This is what happens when you root for a team as ridiculously stacked as the Yankees: you expect them to win every game and when they are victorious, it's a relief and when they lose, you get mad. Is this game gonna be fun anymore?

Language Malfunction Janet Jackson got censored last night on Letterman for saying "Jesus." I guess if she pulled her boob out it would've been a-ok, but saying the name of a character in a Mel Gibson movie = scandalous.

Turning Japanese What could be better than baseball season starting tomorrow? Baseball season starting tomorrow at 5 o'clock in the freaking morning, that's what. The Yankees are playing in Japan, that's why. They're making a big deal cuz Hideki Matsui returned to the country that gave him the nickname "Godzilla." Not for nothing, but how many people in Japan have ever been given the nickname "Godzilla"? It's gotta be the equivalent of "big guy" here in America.

Determines Your Fate in Just Twenty Minutes! Something about having a new oral HIV test just doesn't sit right.

I Smell Oscar Jackson Wanted to Play a Car in a Movie It's not even weird anymore with this guy. I've learned to accept him.

Obit I'd just like to extend my condolences to the family of Saruman. The old wizard will be deeply missed by one and all.

What's in a name change? Intel Wants Chips with Sleeker Names At least they're not naming the microprocessors after models of light bulbs or something dull like that. Naming them after real people would be a bad move, too. Imagine knowing your computer was equipped with the Intel Lenny Processor.

High Turnover Looks like Pakistan is close to nabbing Osama's second in command. This will also mark the 500th bin Laden second in command we've caught. Al-Qaeda just can't keep that position filled. It's like the mailroom of terrorist networks.

Midterms of Endearment Nothing brings classmates together like when they all fuck up on a test. "Hey guy I've never talked to before, wasn't that a tough exam today?" they might say. It's almost a tragedy for everyone there, like a mini terrorist attack or the release of a drummer's solo album. You seek consolation from others who screwed up hoping that it's enough to force the professor to curve it. Too bad there's always that Asian girl who sits quietly in the corner getting the only perfect score in the class, in essence ruining it for everybody.

Proof There's Too Much Dumb Crap in the World Crazy Aaron's Puttyworld - Discover the perfect desk toy and office stress reliever! Take a look at the testimonials from satisfied customers in the blue box on the right. These people seem like true putty experts, I think we can believe them. And thank heavens for the "super fast" delivery. When you need putty in a jiffy, it's good to know I can rely on Crazy Aaron.

So That's How He Did It Coming Soon: The John Basedow At-Home Bad Dye Job Kit

Today on "As the Subway Door Closes" Saw a guy eating a tomato and cucumber on the train like an apple and candy bar. Ate the skin on the cucumber and all. It was not a pickle. Then a crazy lady next to him sneezed like she was having a seizure and doing a Howard Dean impression at the same time. She even asked the tomato eater why he didn't say "Bless you." I don't care what happens on the train, you aren't obligated to talk to anyone. Don't even dream of getting a "Bless you." Especially not from a guy who treats a vegetable garden as if it were a box of Rice Krispie treats.

Meet the Mets Yesterday, Yankee-turned-Met Karim Garcia had a home run ball hit by a teammate smash his Hummer's windshield. It's the same aesthetically overrated vehicle that Shane Spencer escaped in the other night when he and Karim the (Lawyer's) Dream punched a delivery guy after Garcia urinated outside a pizzeria. This goes to show yet another difference between the Yankees and Mets: When former Mets join the Yankees, they win the World Series. When former Yanks join the Mets, they have their windows broken, beat up pizza boys, and pee on doorsteps. Sure is Amazin'.

How Many Iraqis Does It Take To Sign a Constitution? PUPPET GOVERNMENT SHOWS IT'S READY TO "WORK"

Martha Upstaged USATODAY.com - DirecTV accuses O.J. Simpson of piracy Oh Juice, will you ever learn? What a character.

I Want the World to Know... I'm sorry, I've gotta get this off my chest. I've been thinking about this for a long time and I just can't change the way I am. OK, here it goes: I don't trust that Gorton's Fisherman. Something about him just reeks of dishonesty, and we all know dishonesty smells like fishsticks. He's got that Santa-like grey beard to make him think we can trust him. And that yellow rain slicker symbolizes how he's protecting himself from the truth. Does this fisherman have a name, or is he just the Gorton's Fisherman? How can I trust someone who won't even tell me his name? He's up to something. I bet his last name is bin Laden. One day he'll be exposed, I know it.

Wait, Sweeps Doesn't Affect This Site I'm trying something new out here. To put it bluntly, it's the photo appearing on today's New York Times front page, only with headlines from yours truly. Example: BUSH HOPING TO SQEEZE OIL FROM AMERICA'S CHILDREN

Vast Food McDonald's is getting rid of its Super Size option to try to look like it cares about America's health. Instead it will replace the Star Jones special with 2 new items: an apple pie stuffed with a Big Mac and a 20 oz. cup of grease from the deep fryer.

Repeating History Repeating History Repeating... During Super Tuesday yesterday (which is way stronger and better looking than its brother, Fat Tuesday), voters in Florida were using new computerized voting machines instead of the infamous punch cards that would only foreshadow the monstrosity that has been assuming the role of president for the last 3 years. Great, just what old people love using: new technology. The perfect solution for a minority that is still afraid, for the most part, to use ATM's. And it's not "ATM machines." There's an "M" in there that stands for "machine" already. It's redundantly repeated.

Life Imitating Life God help us. I even saw people today wearing cross necklaces. Some people just get so obsessed over a movie. You'd think it was a religion, like "Star Wars."

I Can't Believe It's Not Butter A Happy Ending I happened to catch the last few minutes of the "Average Joe" finale. The guy she wound up picking rejected her because she told him she used to go out with, get this, Fabio. That's right, that Fabio. He got so turned off by it, he couldn't even talk to her. Where will your destruction of human happiness end, Fabio? Hasn't it gone far enough by now? PS- You were great in "Dude, Where's My Car?"