Wednesday, April 30, 2003

X-X-Men The sequel to "X-Men" comes out this Friday. The X-Men are popular comic book characters known for their oddball superpowers and being shunned by non-mutants. But there are those that even the X-Men won't accept. Here are just a few of these superheroes, called the X-X-Men: There's Smokes in New York City Bars Despite the Ban Guy And The Designated Driver And of course, Doesn't Drink Man And The Never Jaywalker Last but not least, The Guy Who Thinks He's Cool Because He Still Listens To Vinyl

Tuesday, April 29, 2003

The Osborings Jack Osbourne checked himself into drug rehab last week. You'd think of all the people in the world, the son of Ozzy "Prince of Bein' Fucked Up to the Brink of Darkness" Osbourne wouldn't wanna follow in the footsteps of dear old dad. Well big friggin surprise. On a related note, remember when people cared about "The Osbournes"? During the first season, viewers talked about it all the time. Now, no one gives a crap. They should've never done the second season. It lost all it's shock value.

Monday, April 28, 2003

Wookiee of the Year It was announced that Chewbacca will be in "Episode III"! No word yet on whether or not he kills Jar Jar for being incoherent.

Sunday, April 27, 2003

Look out, world I think SARS is well on it's way to becoming an Asian stereotype, if it hasn't already. Just like AIDS was once known as a "gay disease," it looks as if SARS can join the ranks of kung fu, tiny penises, pronouncing the letter "L" as the letter "R," talking loudly, having slanty eyes, being pharmacists, eating dog, and banging gongs.

Thursday, April 24, 2003

X-Men? There is supposed to be a Fantastic Four movie coming out in a few years, based on the comic book. Casting hasn't been announced yet, but I know of some good choices: First, the part of the Thing should be played by Chris Farley, but since he's kinda not alive anymore, I say just use CGI with the voice of John Goodman (since he has all that voiceover practice from like 3 Disney movies anyway). Then there's Mr. Fantastic, who should be played by Paulie Walnuts from "The Sopranos." The simple reason being they both have those grey streaks in their hair. The Human Torch, the man who can turn to fire by saying "Flame on" should be someone who knows all about flaming: Mr. Richard Simmons. Oh yea, Invisible Woman. Basically any hot blond will do.

Tuesday, April 22, 2003

When does "Temptation Island" Come Back? Another piece of false reality TV bullshit hit the airwaves last night, this time in the form of Fox’s “Mr. Personality.” In this new load of crap, a woman has to pick a guy based solely on personality. Just so no striking good looks get in the way, all the men have to wear masks. To top it all off, Monica Lewinsky is the host (she should be hosting Fox’s other new reality show, “Miss Suck Down that Sausage Before My Wife Gets Home"). The woman had to cut 10 guys from the show already, but that really wasn’t enough. They’re all really creepy. One guy said he wanted her to be on his motorcycle when he breaks 200 mph. Another guy gave her these ceramic frogs. Fox can sure pick the winners, huh? Some started crying when it was announced they had to leave the show, which is really pathetic. You know the woman for about one day, and you’re crying over her? Get a life. It’s a fucking game show. They showed what all the contestants looked like to the home audience, and I must say, that is gonna be one disappointed lady when the mask finally comes off. I’m not gay or anything, but these guys weren’t exactly big man on campus material. The woman can still see their lips and eyes, so I know she’s gonna make comments like “He has nice lips” and crap. Either that or “His mask is sooo hot. It’s green color really matches his eyes nicely.” I’m sure at least one of them has some dark secret, like maybe he shacked up with a farm animal for some web site. And still does. What they should really have is “Mr. Penis Size.” Tell some woman the member sizes of 20 guys before even meeting them face to face and see if she falls for the one with the three-incher.

Monday, April 21, 2003

Robby Kenya Hear Me? Another Kenyan guy won the Boston Marathon today. I'd write his name, but it's Kenyan and who's gonna remember it tomorrow? Although, his first name is noted as "Robert," which is likely the name he just wants people to call him because, once again, his real name is Kenyan. I think the poorer a country is, the faster the runners are. If ya can't afford a car or even bus fare, you don't have much of a choice but walking or running to your destination.

Sunday, April 20, 2003

Happy Fill in the Blank Today is Easter Sunday (unless you're Greek Orthodox, then it's Christmas or the 4th of July or something). How chocolate and jellybeans and rabbits crossed over to a holiday involving the crucifixion of an innocent man who many believe to be the Son of God I'll never know.

Saturday, April 19, 2003

Tripod Tommy Lee, of Motley Crue and Pamela Anderson sex tape fame, was found not guilty of negligence for the drowning of a child at his kid's birthday party. While that may sound like good news for Lee, his shlong was found guilty of wreckless endangerment and attempted poking of an eye out.

Thursday, April 17, 2003

Half and now another half Special forces have nabbed another of Saddam's half brothers, once again showing just how special they are indeed. How many half brothers does this guy have, anyway? His mom must be some whore, huh? The Stiffler's mom of Iraq maybe. "Hey, what you do last night?" "Saddam's mom, ohhhhhhhh!" It's probably his dad who's the big playa though. Tells women about his cars and palaces, when they really belong to his son (or used to anyway; now the Army uses them to play ping pong). "This Mercedes? It's mine, baby. Saddam? Yea, he's my younger brother. Now, c'mon. Let's go for a ride. No one's gonna stone you, I promise. You worry too much, baby."

Thin Air Tonight was Michael Jordan's last game (again). I'm sure he'll come back after a few years though and prove to everyone that he's still past his prime.

Tuesday, April 15, 2003

Yo mama That Yao Ming Visa commercial is still on TV. It's been on since January. That's why I decided to do my own version:

Monday, April 14, 2003

Token Up You can no longer buy a token in New York City to ride the bus or subway. Just Metrocards. I read in today's NY Times that some people are actually upset, which does not surprise me. There are always a few people who don't want change, even one for the better. Curtis Sliwa (radio host/Guardian Angel of Death) said he's going to feel "like less of a man" without them. Gimme a break. People are just inherently stupid like that. Metrocards are lighter to carry, you can buy them at vending machines and you get a discount when you buy multiple rides at once. What's so great about tokens? Having them weigh down your pockets? Mistaking them for nickels? Waiting on a long line to buy one? They'll make nice collector's items, but that's it.

Sunday, April 13, 2003

Unrude Awakening There's nothing better than being rescued from a POW camp in your jammies. I just hope they didn't have the feets (yes, I said "feets").

Iron Balls I know it's only April, but I think it's time to give the award out for "Having the Biggest Balls in the World," also called the Ballsys. It's gotta go to this guy, the Iraqi information minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf. This guy magically disappeared this week, so to accept it on his behalf will be anyone but Michael Moore. But talk about the balls on this guy. "The infidels are committing suicide by the hundreds on the gates of Baghdad," he said, right before the gates were looted. We all know the government lies, but this guy is some piece of work. Just keeps lying and lying about stuff we already know is true. Funny yet sad. Imagine the things he tells his wife. "No, honey, I am not nailing your best friend in our bedroom you just walked into. That is not true. In fact, you are not in the house at all. You are at the hardware store, shopping for the glue gun you saw them use on "Trading Spaces." Men everywhere don't look so bad anymore by comparison. By the way, past Ballsy winners include O.J. Simpson, "psychic" John Edward, Bill Clinton, and the parents of Jon Benet Ramsey.

Saturday, April 12, 2003

Doesn't qualify as news A friend from school wished to have his grand artwork shown on the site. So here now is one of his pictures, which, as I understand it, took him years to finish. He didn't say whether or not he wanted to be credited for his work, so he will simply be referred to as "Matt Cameron." Mr. Cameron didn't give it a title either (the kid's lazy, what can I say). I shall dub it..."Matt's Doodle."

Friday, April 11, 2003

Harry Potter and the Pathetic Adults Today, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets" came out on video and DVD. I haven't read the books and I've seen some of the first movie, but I don't really see the appeal of this crap. Yea, ok, he's a wizard and he goes to wizard school; seems like an acceptable children's book premise. But they're just that: kids books. No sex, no violence, no life changing events. You have all these adults who feel very proud telling you they've read these things, like I'm jealous or will think they're really cool for doing so. "They're really good, I read all four of them in 3 days," they tell me. Well, I don't care. In fact, I think it's kinda sad you're telling me this. I'd keep it to myself if I were you. Glad to see while men and women your age are risking their lives overseas, you're reading about goblets of fire and sorcerer's stones.

Thursday, April 10, 2003

Watch out for any solo albums I'm debating whether or not Saddam has escaped to that famous island where Biggie and Tupac are living.

Gone the regime is It kinda feels like the end of "Return of the Jedi," when Vader kills the Emperor, doesn't it?

Wednesday, April 09, 2003

Seeing Double the Doubles This is the first part of a comic I saw in this week's New York Press:

Hmm, that looks so familiar. Where have I seen that before? ----------------------------------------------------- [3/20/2003 2:14:06 PM] Will the real Iraqi dictator please stand up There's debate now over whether the guy who appeared on Iraqi TV last night was really Saddam or a body double. Real Saddam on right, shady Saddam on left I think this would make for a pretty good episode of "To Tell the Truth." --------------------------------------------------- Of course, it's from a post that appeared here 3 weeks ago!

The end is near It looks like this war is wrapping up. We've got control of Baghdad. Might as well move on to Syria and Iran now, being that we're in the area.

Monday, April 07, 2003

Float like a carcass, swatted like a fly Ali Hassan Al-Majid has been found dead in Basra. This was the guy they called "Chemical Ali" for ordering gas attacks on the Kurds in 1988. Just another sign of how uncreative these Iraqis are. "Chemical," wow, it must've taken them weeks to think that one up (of course I have no idea who gave him that name, but still). "Hey, how did you kill those Kurds?" "Oh, I used this chemical." "Chemical, huh? From now on, you will be known as 'Chemical Ali.'" "That's genius! When did you think of that?" "It just came to me just now!" From now on, just call him "Bombed Up the Ass Ali" or "The Americans Kicked My Ass Ali." Definitely something with "ass" in it.

Saturday, April 05, 2003

Seeing SARS This SARS disease is some serious crap. It's killed 85 people in Canada and Asia. And now it's in New York. Just great. Of course if I noticed a person coughing at work today, I immediately thought, "This moron better not have it." Henry Niman, an instructor of surgery at Harvard University's Medical School, said SARS is essentially giving U.S. officials "a dry run for bioterrorism." Thanks, Henry, really. It's great we're getting this practice for bioterrorism. We can't just worry about this now, we're still thinking bigger. Get a little pre-game shoot around goin. Some swings in the batting cage. Let's just cure the damn thing, alright. This is some serious shit. No one knows how it originated, either, but it started showing up in China. I'm surprised Bush hasn't linked it to Communism by now. They already thought of linking it to terrorism.

Friday, April 04, 2003

Eureka! I think I finally figured out who this guy posing as Saddam Hussein really is: It's his butler, Alfred! Whenever Saddam has to be in two places at once, his trusty butler Alfred dresses up like him. How did I not realize this before?

Anything but that! An Iraqi official today warned of "unconventional" attacks to fight allied troops approaching Baghdad. What does this mean, you ask? He said it wasn't biological or chemical weapons. This could be a game of 20 questions. What do I think it could be?
I think I can actually hear David Spade now: "Maybe you saw it the first time, when it was called Mr. Mom." And you thought Pluto Nash was the worst it could get for Eddie Murphy. Our troops don't stand a chance.

Thursday, April 03, 2003

Just when you were about to ask the 7-11 guy I hope the troops in Iraq have maps of Baghdad. Asking someone how to get somewhere could be tricky: "Ok, what you wanna do is, take a right on Saddam Street, go down til you see Saddam Avenue, make a left, past Saddam's Diner and Saddam's Bed & Breakfast. If you hit Saddam's Tanning Salon you went too far. Then make a right on Maple and you're there."

Vacation The coalition is now saying they'll be in Baghdad "before you know it." That's good, because everyone watching just can't wait for the season finale of "Operation: Avenge Daddy." Plus we've been told all this time that they're heading for Baghdad, so at this point we're like a bunch of kids in the backseat of a car: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

I feel sorry for'em You see footage of Iraq on the news, and it's just sad how Saddam has pictures of himself everywhere. Those people gotta see that garbage all around them. Glad nothing like that exists here.
Wait, never mind.

Wednesday, April 02, 2003

Sign here I think it's important to our national freedom that everyone signs this petition: Freedom Stewart

Tuesday, April 01, 2003

It's not the heat, it's the stupidity I was watching CNN or some news program today when the newscaster in the New York studio, talking to a field reporter in Iraq, informed him that the temperature was in the 20s. The reporter in Iraq then said something along the lines of "Wow, I'm glad I'm not there." Yea, because I'd rather have bullets flying and bombs landing around me instead of wearing a sweater and scarf for a few days. Dumbass.