Wednesday, July 30, 2003

A Lack Consumer confidence slipped this month and led to stocks closing lower yesterday, officials said. "I just don't think this shirt will look good on me, " said Anna O'Neal, a shopper at an Ohio American Eagle Outfitters. "I mean, once I leave the store, I'm gonna realize I made a bad move." Some could barely make it to the dressing room of a Miami Banana Republic. "Those mirrors in there are gonna show me just how fat I really am," said Teresa Williams, who for some reason thought she was going into a funhouse. "If I see any clowns in there, I'm leaving." This drop was mainly caused by people losing a lot of self-esteem after it was announced that Liza Minelli's marriage to David Guest was ending. "Ever since I heard about Liza, nothing just seems important anymore," said Betty Campbell of Augusta, Georgia. "There's just no reason to get out of bed in the morning. I'm just hoping it all works out with Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck. I see many, many years of happiness in their future." The plunge in buyer self-esteem was believed to be caused by continued unemployment, but the actual cause was made clear by consumers all over America. "I can't believe it's over, " said Josh Hernandez of Sacramento, California. "They were perfect for each other, it's just so sad when things don't go the way you planned. Plus the local Target didn't have my size socks. I've got some pretty big feet, and I thought they'd have'em at Target. I mean, c'mon, it's friggin' Target (let it be known that Mr. Hernandez pronounced Target 'Tar-zjay' like he's a man about town or something). I've lost a lot of confidence on this one." Others were optimistic about the upcoming months. "I have a feeling that once the U.S. starts invading more countries, it'll be business as usual," said Tom Maloney, a certified 'Mr. Know-it-all' and more than likely to be completely wrong. "I can't wait until we invade Somalia. They'll never expect us."

Tuesday, July 29, 2003

I'm just sayin'... Seems like we keep just barely missing Saddam, huh? We kill his sons, capture his bodyguard, but can't get the big man. It's like when McDonald's had that rigged Monopoly game contest, and even when you had New York Avenue and Tennessee Avenue, you had no chance of getting St. Louis Place. We may have to settle for a free Big Mac instead of that million dollar dream home.

Monday, July 28, 2003

The Great Beyond (CNN) -- Bob Hope, the legendary comedian whose quick wit, daring personality and ski-sloped nose made him an icon of 20th-century entertainment, has died. He was 100. How come obituaries always end the first paragraph with "He was 100" or whatever the age was? I want mine to say something better, like "He was the freakin' man! It really sucks that he's dead now." Though that would probably get copied by everyone and their dead mother afterwards. And the insanity won't stop there. I don't want a tombstone that just has the usual, i.e., name, birthday, dash, death day, etc. I want people who don't even know me to want to come visit my grave, just cuz it kicks so much ass. Grab the reader's attention. First, I'd have to have some pyrotechnic displays, fireworks and explosions and stuff just to alert the people crying that something new is goin done at this cemetery. Drop the hankies and come on over. Then, a tombstone that would have sports scores and fun facts about me scrolling by on it. Yankees 5, Tigers 2....Astros 8, Padres 1....Matt really liked Ben & Jerry's ice cream.... Last, just to screw with people's heads, I'll hire a kid who looked like me as a boy to run up to my tombstone with a flashlight every so often and start screaming that he's "me from the past."

Sunday, July 27, 2003

Random Though #391 When an important gay man dies, should he be given an eternal flame? It might be kind of mean.

Thursday, July 24, 2003

Say "Deceased!" NYC BLOGGER / RNN Question of the Day: Was it a Good Move to Release the Photos of Saddamís Dead Sons? It's a desperation move by Bush to say the least. Since they didn't find any weapons of mass destruction (or "WMD" if you wanna sound street), he's gotta show something where people can actually believe him, cuz now he can say, "Look, we killed somebody semi-important." Let's not even mention that these two guys look like any two guys in Iraq.

Tuesday, July 22, 2003

Uday to you, sir Saddam Hussein's sons, Uday and Qusay, were killed today in a gunfight with American soldiers in Iraq. This is huge news because everyone knows they're his sons but I don't think most people can name a thing they've done. It's kinda weird hearing on the news that two people died and you're like, "Yea, alright!" And ya almost feel like you killed them yourself. You start congratulating others in the room, it's strange.

Monday, July 21, 2003

Old People Ranting Revisited NYCB presents today's RNN E News rundown: Should Elderly Drivers Be Retested? No, they should not be retested. They shouldn't be allowed on the road at all, let alone given the chance to "keep on truckin'." Revoke old people's licenses at 65, the day they start getting social security. Cuz if they're getting a piece of my paycheck for no good reason, I at least shouldn't be stuck behind them on my way to work.

Saturday, July 19, 2003

Spam The White House web site yesterday made the president's email address easier to find for web surfers. In case you'd like to email the Commander in Chief, he can be reached at ruiningthewholedamnworld@whitehouse.gov. Also, Dick Cheney's email is there. It's imreallytheoneruiningthewholedamnworld@whitehouse.gov. Long, I know.

Friday, July 18, 2003

Look out! Disclaimer: The above poster is there as a joke, and nothing more. If it offends you, well, then, too bad.

Wednesday, July 16, 2003

Window Pain Today I finally got my own teller window at my new job in a bank. Now may be a good time to rent some movies about bank robberies. Although I can't see Al Pacino taking me hostage so his boyfriend can get a sex change operation. But if a guy comes in and sticks a gun in my face, hey, I'm putting the money in the bag. Hell I'll bring it out to the guy's car if he wants. But that's not what I'm afraid of. Ya know what I am afraid of? A note. Somebody slipping me a note saying "give me all your money, or I'll shoot you with the pointed finger in my jacket." No gun, no knife, not even a Celine Dion CD ready to be played. Just take my manhood why don't you. The note is such an embarrassment on both sides. Was the guy gonna forget what he was doing at the bank that day? He had to write a note to remember? "Let's see. Milk, eggs, toilet paper, and $50,000 in non-consecutive 20s."

Sunday, July 13, 2003

Random Thought #761 I think anyone who looks like Santa Claus should be able to write it off on their taxes. And I don't mean the mall Santas or the ringing the damn bell on the street corner Santas. I'm talking about the ones who just look like St. Nick 365 days a year. Ya can't get mad at these guys, and a lot of times they like being called Santa. They're just friendly folk. If by chance they are mean, then screw'em, and tell'em to lay off the cookies and milk, fatboy.

Thursday, July 10, 2003

Catching up My R. Kelly bashing has really fallen behind on this site. I should be abusing this guy more often, and I apologize. I know the guy deserves it. But I've been busy lately, so cut me some slack. Anyway, here it goes. R. Kelly will be releasing a greatest hits album in Sepetmber entitled "The 'R' in R & B Collection Volume 1." It will feature new tracks as well as older ones, but none will be over 13 years of age. Oh yea. That's the stuff. I'm just so sick of this guy acting like he's all spiritual and shit and then getting off on little girls peeing on him. And people still buy his crappy music.

Tuesday, July 08, 2003

True Story I just saw a commercial for tonight's news, saying, "A homeless shelter closes without warning. Where will these homeless go now?" Wild guess: the streets? They're homeless, I think they can manage. They've been there, they've done that. They'll be OK.

And the winners are... George W. Bush today called slavery "one of the greatest crimes of history" while visiting a former slave-loading harbor in Senegal. What were some of the other greatest crimes in history, you may be asking yourself? I'll tell you, whether or not you really asked: -Marisa Tomei winning that Academy Award for "My Cousin Vinny" -The Florida Marlins winning the 1997 World Series -The Holocaust -Your bank charging you $1.50 to use an outside ATM -The New Coke -Any movie with "Blair Witch" in the title -Bush getting away with rigging the 2000 presidential election

Saturday, July 05, 2003

Random If I ever get famous, I'm never having my face put on a subway poster. The only thing to come out of it will be blackened out teeth and a dialogue bubble over my head saying "I eat poo."

Friday, July 04, 2003

Vote for me. I'm a cop, you idiot! Will Arnold run? That's the big question people are asking, next to "Smell this. Does it smell ok to you?" If he does, I'm sure he can easily tie in his movie star status to his political strategies.

He's...returned So, Terminatrix. Is that supposed to sound like "The Matrix" so the studio can make more money?

Tuesday, July 01, 2003

The Secret's Out! Laura Bush let out the secret of her husband's surprise birthday party in an online Q & A forum today. What is with this family and keeping secrets? Whether it's someone's birthday or there's about to be military action against another country, the Bushs can't keep it on the down low.