Wednesday, December 31, 2003

2004gettaboudit I will not be going to Times Square tonight. There are already people there waiting to watch the ball drop. This has got to be one of the dumbest New York traditions around. I mean I'll watch it on TV, cuz if I didn't how would I know what year is coming up? What if next year is 2007? I'd be the one with egg on my face when I walk out the door on January 1st and find out Hillary Clinton is president. But it's also fun to see people freezing to death so they can wait 9 hours for 10 seconds. Wearing their little 2004 glasses as if they're all winning the Mega Millions jackpot next year and making great strides with their lives. They promise to be better people and lose 20 pounds with their resolutions that go nowhere by January 3rd. But hang on to those glasses: they're a good reminder of how nothing cool will happen to you this year. And by 12:03 Times Square is desolate. There's nothing left but confetti and beer bottles, just like after the Thanksgiving Day parade. New Years Day is the worst, too. It's somehow a national holiday, really only because it's the first day of the glorious year ahead. It's like Delaware having "The First State" on its license plates. Nothing great ever happens in Delaware, so the folks there remind us this whole country sounded good to them before anyone else. Don't get me wrong about New Year's Eve, though. It's still a great reason to drink, but I think we've still got enough of those for now.

Tuesday, December 30, 2003

I'm charitable I set some old clothes aside to be given to the poor the next time whoever it is comes and picks them up. I feel kinda bad though giving them my old, worn out, tattered clothes. I'd feel better if I just bought some old, raggedy clothes for them to wear. And I always check the pockets before putting the clothes neatly into the garbage bag. Wouldn't want to accidently donate some money now, would I?

The Days of Our Lives I just got back from the mechanic's since my car is eternally in the shop (it has its own private lift) and he gave me a promotional calendar with classic cars on it (it was more of a schedule letting me know how often my car will be there). Problem is all the pictures have women in or around them. And they're not women in bikinis, and I wouldn't really wanna see these women in bikinis anyway. They're kind of just standing around though in some of them, like they wandered into the shot by accident. Whatever, it was free. I put it up, doing my annual calendar changing-of-the-guard-like ceremony. It has the extra December in it, just to get me to hang it a few days early. Even has the mini calendar of each month before and after the one we're in. It's nice to be rich, huh? Wow, I wrote way to much on this dopey topic.

Monday, December 29, 2003

'Nac Attack The FBI told police across the country to look out for people carrying almanacs, because al Qaeda members use them for planning attacks. This is serious, folks. I hear they're trying to plant corn in major cities. Maybe even lettuce. Barbarians!

Sunday, December 28, 2003

Gyration I'm in Vegas (Brooklyn's "It" diner) last night and I ordered a gyro. Now, when I order food in a restaurant, I expect it to be fully cooked and preassembled. The cooking part they got fine, but they gave me a pita with a few lamb slices inside and tomatoes, cucumbers, and lettuce next to it. I didn't realize it was build-your own-meal night. I'm sitting there trying to load this thing like a faulty Pez dispensor while others enjoy their food that came ready to chew. I've had the same problem from other places. I think I'll just get gyros at street vendors from now on. At least those come with dressing resistant aluminum foil.

Saturday, December 27, 2003

Where's the beef (from)? That mad cow from Washington may have originally come from Canada, or at least that's what the U.S. is saying. Makes sense though. We've blamed so much stuff on Canada, especially recently, so we might as well blame the mad cow, too. Eastern Seaboard Blackout: Canada's fault Terrorists Passing Over the Border Easily: Canada's fault Jason Priestly: Canada's fault We really have to start paying more attention to these guys. I have a feeling they're developing another Celine Dion. I say we let Saddam loose north of the border and claim he's building weapons of mass distruction so we can bomb the hell out of them. It already worked once, why not try it some more? You know we will, Mexico.

Unlunchables I'm an American. This is probably why I sometimes I don't understand my Italian family. There are times when I just don't get it, and don't feel a need to get it. For example, for lunch they can sit there and eat cheese and olives, and that's it. That's the whole meal. Maybe include some tomato slices as well. This is not lunch. Lunch is at least a sandwich with some kind of killed animal slices between the bread, with some cheese thrown in if it floats your boat. Sometimes it's leftovers. It's not side dishes and parts of a salad. This Italian eating habit confuses me. It's at best a snack, and not a very good one at that. A snack is potato chips or a bowl of cereal in the afternoon or a twinkie. Something yummy that can hold you over til dessert. Cheese I can tolerate, but olives? One of the worst foods ever, hands down. They taste bad and they have those little red things in there that look like the corner of your eyes. At least that's what I always think of.

Friday, December 26, 2003

Pulled the (for)mat from under us WNEW 102.7 ended their nonstop Christmas songs today, which started before Thanksgiving. They must be more sick of it by now then we are. I never knew so many versions existed of "Jingle Bells."

Why hello there Looks like our old nemesis Mad Cow disease is back with a vengence, this time on our turf. Even SARS and earthquakes are making a return to the spotlight. I guess the retro look is still in.

Thursday, December 25, 2003

Christmas Time is Gone Christmas is just about over. By now your seven kinds of fish should be consumed and your half open gift boxes strewn about the room. They may already be in "keep" piles and "return" piles. The final tallies: Sweaters: 1 Pajama Pants pairs: 1 Not too bad, I've seen worse.

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

Santa Busted for Elf Molesting Thought "milk and cookies" was a euphemism Kris Kringle, aka Santa Claus, was accused yesterday of molesting an elf at his Winter Wonderland Ranch in November. The complaint comes from Sally Lollipops, an elf for two years in the bow tying department who claims Mr. Claus, whose real name is Bill Berkowitz, took advantage of her while she was alone in his office. After hearing about the news, the Pope immediately cancelled Christmas. "With this kind of bad PR, I think it's best if we forget about the true meaning of Christmas: getting presents from a fat guy who breaks into your house and eats your food," said the Pope. "There will be no Christmas this year. We can still celebrate Groundhog Day I suppose." Santa could not be reached as he was filming a music video with Weird Al Yankovic in Las Vegas. Mrs. Claus, however, denied the allegations and also stated that her husband never beat her, though no one even asked her if he did.

Monday, December 22, 2003

If I may... A lot of people complain that Christmas has become too commercial. Jesus is the reason for the season, and they don't want you to forget it. All these presents just get in the way of the true meaning of Christmas. But honestly, who would look forward to it if we didn't get presents? No one really. Sure we'd have a lot of food and could watch football, but it would just look like Thanksgiving with a baby in a barn. Nothing too exciting and would probably get real old real fast. It's the same reason as kids we looked forward to our friends' birthdays: not because you're happy it's someone's birthday, but happy because you get to go to the birthday party. Jesus was born already, so why get excited over his birthday if you're not gettin' a new car with a big red bow on it that your wife never consulted you about before buying? Presents, lights, mall Santas, tree blankets, red and green M & M's, inflatable lawn Grinches, hell even tinsel---it's all good.

Not Kosher? I'm in Macy's today, known for being the store with the least amount of merchandise lying on the floor, and I hear these Jewish people singing "Here Comes Santa Claus" or one of these other Christmas songs that have been done to death by everyone and their mother. Is this allowed? I guess since Barbara Streisand's done it, it's ok now? She's the Jackie Robinson of Christmas music? I'm gonna have to check the rule book on this one. Consult some higher authorities maybe. I don't know of any Hinduists who sing "Hava Nagila," or any Buddhists who sing Atheist songs. This may have to go to the Supreme Court, but it probably will just get buried in red tape so forget it.

Sunday, December 21, 2003

Just in time for the holidays The terror alert is back to orange. Now I know we've all been very observant and ready on yellow, and I'm confident we can raise that intensity to an immeasurable orange level. It's our only chance. And don't forget to keep spending!

Helpful Holiday Hint I'm gonna let all four of you who read this in on a little last minute shopping secret. Get people the same thing but in different colors. Helps me out during crunch time. Say you're gettin a grey shirt for someone, get someone else that same shirt but in blue. You save so much time that way. Yesterday I even bought a black shirt with brown stripes and another that was brown with black stripes. I am gettin too good at this.

Friday, December 19, 2003

Spree? Shopping for other people is hard. I know what I like, and I wind up being drawn to what I like. I think, "This is nice. I would like this as a present. And I can't get it for anyone, cuz no one else likes this." And I'm positive no one will get it for me. Dammit, I'm so easy to shop for.

Thursday, December 18, 2003

Rollin' I am just posting away tonight. School gets in the way of my thinking sometimes.

No Rush I think I'm gonna start my Christmas shopping tomorrow. Eh, maybe next week.

Dumming It Down Finals are, uh, finally done. For some reason though I feel like I've become a complete moron when it comes to tests (I mean life in general, but I just wanna keep it simple for now). I study, I think I know the stuff, and then I get there and the test looks like its written in some form of Elvish. You know its bad when you start making up the rules yourself and then have to rely on them throughout. Just teach yourself what you think it would logically be, without realizing tests aren't meant to be logical. They're meant to show you how dumb you are.

Sunday, December 14, 2003

The Wacky Iraqi I say today be named a national holiday: Finding Stuff Day. Just this morning I found a nail clipper in seconds after being told "we looked all over for it." Then I found snow covering the ground outside. It's like getting a present all over again. Also I think I heard somewhere that Saddam Hussein was captured.

Friday, December 12, 2003

Playing with Fire Every Christmas season, there's always a big holiday toy that every kid has to have cuz every other kid they know has it or is getting it too. This year though nothing has really taken off, and it looks like the item to have is... a fig scented candle. I kid you not. This is how far we've fallen. I'm not even gonna go into how candles do nothing to benefit us (unless you were in New York City August 14th). If you have working electricity, you're practically begging to have your house burned down cuz you wanted your living room to smell like raspberries. OK, I guess I did go into it. But getting back to that really important thing I was saying: no must have toy. They're still selling Elmo dolls to this day, however. First was Tickle Me Elmo, whose insane popularity is to blame for later spinoffs, like Chicken Dance Elmo, and now Hokey Pokey Elmo. Next year, I wonder what they'll come up with for our favorite red Sesame Street muppet...

Thursday, December 11, 2003

Very Undandy Andy Pettitte signed with the Houston Astros. I'm gonna go cry now. Goes from Yankee Stadium, sports mecca, to Minute Maid Park, formerly Enron Field, where nothing cool has ever happened. And signed for less money. That Steinbrenner sure knows how to organize priorities.

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

I like the way you trial The Supreme Court decided not to get involved with Rosa Parks' new lawsuit. She's suing the rap group Outkast, not for being too stankalicious and crunktacular, but for using her name as the title of a song. I'd be flattered if a group named a song after me. It's not even about her anyway. And it's not like they named the song "Lazy Bitch on the Downtown Express." I've lost all respect for Susan B. Anthony, I mean Eleanor Roosevelt, I mean Amelia Earhart, err, whoever I'm talkin about. They've named streets and Mondays after Malcolm X and Martin Luther King, Jr and they didn't sue anybody. Sure, they aren't alive anymore, but that's just a minor technicality. Besides, there's always some family member who's money hungry or wants some publicity or cryogenically freezes your head so he can sell your DNA to lesbian couples. And the Supreme Court's decision doesn't surprise me at all. It does a great job of being the kid who just got there and has no idea who broke the window. "I don't know, ask a lower court about this. I just got here."

Saturday, December 06, 2003

The A-bomb of Child Care In an attempt to get my 3-year-old cousins to behave recently, I used a special power that I didn't think I'd be able to bust out until I had some kids of my own running amok in a grocery store. I'm referring to the good ol' "I'm calling Santa right now" routine. Oh it's beautiful. Kids won't mess with you when they think you've got Kris Kringle's digits in your cell phone. They'll think twice about hitting their sister or not putting that down. But beware that it has the potential to backfire into a flood of tears. Use sparingly and be in awe.

Friday, December 05, 2003

Pay attention here people

Along with the holiday season comes your usual inflow of Christmas stuff. Lights, trees in your house, trees in your house with lights on them, and eggnog. I think I covered everything there, except of course holiday gift guides. Every year I see these gift guides in newsapers and magazines and think, "I hope someone gets me a few of these new technological gadgets. A digital camera or MP3 player would sure be swell." Okay, I don't exactly talk like Jerry Mathers, but you get the idea. Gift guides usually have cool things in them. The problem here lies in one simple area: no one buying me gifts is looking at these same gift guides. The stuff I get must be in the Macy's Extreme Sweater Guide, and that's where many of my presents will originate for all eternity. It doesn't even have to be anything that expensive; a DVD or CD or plasma screen TV is fine. But the sweaters must end, and end swiftly they must. I've also received a lot of pajama bottoms for Christmas. Each year it seems I get at least another pair. Obviously there's a rumor going around that I sleep wearing only a shirt, and that just isn't true. Sometimes I wear a hat as well. So the moral here is easy: No to sweaters and pajama pants (which I have seen labeled as "dorm pants," but don't be fooled, it's another cunning marketing ploy). Yes to things in gadgety gift guides. Although don't just get me or a loved one or me any gadget cuz there's a lot of stupid crap out there that never should have been invented in the first place. Digital camcorder: excellent. Laptop: very nice. George Foreman Grill: I'll allow it. Electronic cheese grader: maybe the sweater isn't so bad.

Thursday, December 04, 2003

Guess where I went today? How come whenever there's something wrong at the dentist's, like a cavity, they want you to make another appointment to get it fixed? I'm in the chair, I've got the little bib with the mini jumper cables on. Mister Thirsty is doin' his thing. Let's do this now. I don't wanna come back and read the same old Good Housekeeping magazines in the waiting room. I don't wanna get another card with the tooth pointing to a clock. You don't know how my teeth are gonna be til I get there, so be ready to accept the consequences. Just finish the job and give me my free toothbrush and I'll be on my way. See ya in 6-12 months.

Monday, December 01, 2003

Random Thoughts with a Common Theme It's a shame that people you hardly see only come to things like a funeral. By then it's already too late. People at a wake often talk about a lot of mundane stuff. Sports, politics, work. It's a great place to network. Everyone almost wants to ignore the fact that there's a dead guy in the room lying in a box. And no matter who died, they always look short in the coffin. Maybe it's the shoes or something. Manute Bol is gonna look like Webster when he goes.