Sunday, August 29, 2004


Those yellow, $1 Lance Armstrong bracelets, the most popular article of clothing to ever be yellow and a dollar, are selling on eBay for like $10 each. The appeal is obvious. A plastic yellow bracelet beats an ordinary beige rubber band any day of the week, unless you're all out of rubber bands on that day and you really need one. And it's completely beating the pants off those Until There's A Cure AIDS bracelets.

Saturday, August 28, 2004


Olympic pole vaulting is kinda interesting. When the athletes realize they are gonna clear that height, they start celebrating in midair. It's the only time I can remember anyone showing excitement when they're falling. You never see someone ecstatic after falling out a window. They can do that because of all that padding below to fall on. Stick a pit full of man-eating sharks under there and we'll see how happy they are to clear 19 1/2 feet.

Thursday, August 26, 2004

No Barry Allen

The US just swept the medals in the men's 200 meters. Justin Gatlin, "Fastest Man in the World," won the bronze. Some fastest man. He received the "Fastest Man" title when he won the 100 meters earlier in the week. It's not a completely clear title to give someone, cuz he's really only the fastest man in the shortest distance raced and the third fastest in twice that distance. He's more like "Fastest Man in the Parking Lot."

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

"E" for Effortless

I was just watching men's gymnastics (don't ask me why; I feel like I've seen every episode of That '70s Show like 40 times) and for some reason Al Trautwig is doing commentary with these two other people who seem to know a lot about the sport. Trautwig has no clue what's going on. He can fake it well enough for the New York City Marathon and the Iditarod, but its pretty clear the guy doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground when it comes to gymnastics. And rightfully so. Who the hell knows anything about gymnastics who isn't or wasn't a gymnast at some point? Nobody I know. Keep talkin' out your ass, Trautwig, cuz it's obviously getting you work.

Monday, August 23, 2004

More Proof We've Run Out of New Ideas

Tamagotchi, which created a craze in the '90s, are coming back to stores for no apparent reason. This time they're improved so you can waste even more time with these overly dependent pocket monstrosities. All yours for $15. More recycled pop culture garbage. I doubt they'll be as popular as they were years ago, though. The same target audience is a lot more skanky than the previous generation. Could sell if it doubles as a dildo.

Saturday, August 21, 2004


NAKED CATERING Ya know, I think I have some event coming up where I need caterers. I hear they have really good shrimp cocktails.

Friday, August 20, 2004

Simply Golden

That Michael Phelps is something. Keeps winning medal after medal. The most amazing thing though is that his junk doesn't fly out of his bathing suit. See how low that suit is? Eh, I guess it's working. Do that at the beach and you may find yourself retrieving your pants after a rough wave. Phelps celebrates after realizing his pants stayed on yet again.

Monday, August 16, 2004

Suck on This, Bob Costas

In my bid to bring even more Olympics coverage to the world, I've been, well, writing about the Olympics. Technically I don't think I'm allowed to use the word "Olympics" or I can be sued by people claiming to bring all nations together in the name of peace and camaraderie. I have to use the much more generic "Games," so not to confuse anyone I won't talk about Hungry Hungry Hippos, Operation, or Connect Four til after the so-called Games are over. CAUTION: SPOILER AHEAD Michael Phelps, a guy no one heard of a week ago but was expected to win 8 gold medals just so there would be something to talk about, won the bronze in the "Race of the Century," which is definitely what they'll still be calling it 4 days from now. Taking the gold was Ian Thorpe of Australia, whose nickname is, get this, Thorpedo. Wow. It goes without saying that's what he calls his wang. But let's hope he's not pals with Nicky Hilton's new husband Todd Meister, cuz that's just a bad wingman team waiting to happen.

Sunday, August 15, 2004

New Feelings Brewing in Duffman... What Would Jesus Do?

Hilarious. Albuquerque Isotopes Baseball Next we'll see the South Park Cows football team.

Did We Beat Ourselves?

The US basketball team lost again today, this time to Puerto Rico. How does Puerto Rico get their own Olympic team? It's a US territory. They're not helping out the mainland, and they'll never become a state if they can't learn to take a dive. And yet we continue to let them avoid income taxes and hold parade after parade.

Friday, August 13, 2004

Commercial Success

Check out the video if you haven't already. Great stuff. Will Ferrell - A message from White House West

Thursday, August 12, 2004

Jersey Girl

New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey just announced that he's gay, AND, AND, he's resigning. Not really sure why being gay is a means for giving up your job. After all, there are lesbian strippers out there. Maybe he was missing all the good sales. It's funny. One governor groped women and got elected. Another groped men and quits. I guess we know the rules now. But nonetheless great publicity for the new movie "Garden State."

Let the Games Begin

Tomorrow night is the Opening Ceremony for the Olympics. There are plenty of good reasons to watch the Olympics this year. Besides showing my support for the Iraqi soccer team and their newfound freedom and wanting to get with the entire US women's softball team, there's an even better motive to follow the Games:
Yes, crappy Olympic mascots. "What are they supposed to be?" you might ask. I have no freakin clue. Gay mutant backscratchers? Drawings by a 4-year-old? Retarded giraffes? One thing is certain: looking at them makes me want pancakes. And they make the mascot from 1996 look like he beats women. They should've gone with my mascot recommendations of Alien and Predator.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Simpson, eh?

Ashlee Simpson is back to #1 on the Billboard charts. And it's a good lesson for the kids. Have a famous sister and a dull TV show before your album drops and you too can have a singing career.

Saturday, August 07, 2004

Where's the Funk?

So Rick James died from "natural causes," which makes sense since cocaine comes from a plant. But that does it for any more "I'm Rick James, bitch!" sketches on Chappelle's Show. He and the skits will be missed.

Thursday, August 05, 2004

Hangin' With Mr. Cooper

That Staples commercial with Alice Cooper is great. Not just because you don't picture a guy like Alice Cooper buying paper clips and printer toner, but because he shops in full make-up.

Wednesday, August 04, 2004


The freakin Dream Team lost to Italy yesterday. The Dream Team. Luckily is was only an exhibition game. Previously I thought this team had an inside shot at Olympic gold. I know not a lot of people agreed with me on that, and I received tons and tons of hate mail, but I'm gonna stay with my original pick.

Sunday, August 01, 2004


This past Friday I was at the PNC Bank Arts Center in New Jersey to see the Projekt Revolution tour featuring Linkin Park, Korn, Snoop Dogg and others in a showcase of bands who aren't very good spellers. However, it did make for an interesting show. Snoop Dogg was his usual high self, calling the crowd "Jones Beach" a few times before being filled in that he wasn't even in the same state as Jones Beach. And no, he did not once call us "Jonizzle Beachizzle." There's no way that guy stopped smokin the ganja. Snoop should just do a tour with Willie Nelson and Cypress Hill and call it the "Where the Fuck Are We? Tour." Linkin Park played for over an hour, though I can't tell you which songs they played cuz they're all the same really. The "retired" Jay-Z made a surprise appearance for their encore and did a little of "99 Problems" and "Big Pimpin'." Strange cuz I thought he moved to a retirement village in Florida, where pimpin' of any size has to be approved by board members. Must've been in town visiting the grandkids. The show had its share of middle fingers and F-bombs, which I'm gettin kinda tired of in my old age. I hear enough of that on the streets and from Dick Cheney, and people applaud when rock stars curse them out but get angry when the guy behind them in line at the drugstore says it. Rock stars already get plenty of money and chicks, so let's commend them when they call us all motherfuckers.