Monday, January 31, 2005

Standing Fall

Hillary Clinton fainted during a speech on Social Security today in Buffalo. They say she was told right before going onstage that her husband has cheated on her for years and was caught way off guard. Poor thing. Either that or she was imitating what happens to women at the Social Security age. She didn't break her hip but that would have been a little overboard. Someone did manage to take a picture as it happened: Senator Clinton

Sunday, January 30, 2005

To the Polls!

Condi Rice called the Iraqi election today "better than expected." Thirty-five people were killed, plus nine suicide bombers. Sounds like a success to me. That's less than four kills per bomber. Millions did show up to vote, however, and out of habit it looks like Jeb Bush tried to rig the election again. Who do you think caused that debacle in the Ukraine? The turnout percentage-wise will probably be better than our own election. Maybe Iraq should invade us and show the American people some pointers on democracy. They're clearly doing something better than we do. These Iraqis were risking their lives to vote and we don't go because the local polling area is four blocks away and we can't get a ride.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

We Are Sad

The C train is sidelined for three to five years possibly, and all thanks to a homeless guy who started a fire. This hobo is obviously some sort of terrorist mastermind who must've been working on this diabolical plot for years. Either that or just a homeless guy trying to keep warm. Pfft, yeah right. I bet he dug his way here from China, just like those completely real, not made up dirty bomb planters in Boston. But three to five years to fix some cables? C'mon, I set up my wireless DSL in like two hours. Maybe the mayor knows somebody.

Monday, January 24, 2005

The Real Carson of Late-Night TV

Don't Rip Off Saved By the Bell

I saw a commercial for the next episode of "7th Heaven" and it seems they're doing that whole pregnant-lady-giving-birth-in-an-elevator thing. Yawn. And I was going to start watching the WB this week. Maybe in February.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Yuge Deal

Just want to wish Donald Trump all the luck in the world with his new hot wife who loves him for who he is, not because he's a billionaire and since she's foreign isn't aware that we all make fun of his hair and how often he gets married. Third time's a charm, right, Donald?

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Enter Snowman

There's a blizzard going on here in NYC. As usual, the weathermen/women/Janice Huff had no idea how bad it was going to be until, oh, yesterday. They're talking a foot to two feet, which is why it's great to be in the weather business. You can be off by 100% and people will still pay attention to you. Weatherbug was no help either yesterday, letting me know there would be 4-6 inches today and that's it. That's the great thing about ranges: they give you a buffer to be inaccurate or lie or take a complete guess because you have no clue what you're talking about.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

George of the Jungle

I saw a newspaper headline this morning that said, "Bush to Speak About Freedom." It referred to the inauguration today, but that has to be the least informative headline I've seen in awhile (including the ones on this site that I write myself). Maybe a less obvious headline would've said, "Air to Be Breathed Today," or, "Traffic Lights to Change Colors," or, "Knicks Lose." And so begins the second installment of 1,461 days of a president I abhor.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Haphazard Notion #208

Ever be just sitting around when all of a sudden a chunk of ear wax falls right out your ear? I think it's humbling.

Monday, January 17, 2005

2005: Year of the Has-Been

I'm very confused by this Kirstie Alley brouhaha going on these days. She hasn't been seen in movies since the Oscar-worthy Look Who's Talking trilogy and those creepy Pier 1 ads and the media is acting like she's the best thing since sliced bread. She has a new show coming out and a Jenny Craig endorsement deal. The problem is that the show is already overhyped, so if it's not hilarious then it's done for. Isn't that right, Father of the Pride? I don't get why it's funny when she talks about how fat she is. Yes, she's fat. In fact, whenever she's on TV she's either eating or talking about eating. However, who gives a shit. Louie Anderson jokes about being fat and he hasn't gotten much attention lately. I guess it's sorta like how the Queer Eye guys talk about how gay they all are. It's like we think they didn't notice they were gay. Then when they talk about it it's PC to laugh at how gay they all are. Eh, I can laugh about how fat Kirstie Alley is by myself, thank you very much.

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Jets = Just Ended The Season

The Jets. Lose. Again. I can't say I'm surprised, because when they don't play well they seem to win and when they play well they seem to lose. And what better way to reward perpetual losers than by giving them a brand new stadium that will cost us all hundreds of millions of dollars? If the Jets can make the Super Bowl, maybe, maybe they should build the West Side stadium. Until then they should have to settle for another team's field.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

A Sigh of Relief

It was announced that the search for WMDs in Iraq is officially over. Total found: zero. To that I say, "Mission accomplished!" Because there were still like four or five people out there who thought we might find some, so they felt an announcement was the right thing to do. I don't see how Bush could give up now. The election just ended, so he's got a lot more free time now to concentrate on finding clues. Send the CSI casts over there. Look in every outhouse, doghouse, lighthouse, funhouse, halfway house, and house of sand and fog Iraq has to offer. Maybe we would've found them in a haunted hotel or abandoned amusement park. Somewhere an old man in a ghost costume is laughing his ass off. But hey, at least we got a terrible war out of it. And they say Iraq has oil. Who would've guessed?

Monday, January 10, 2005

The Real Foul is That Hair

Oh, how terrible! Randy Moss pretended to moon the crowd and didn't show any skin or physically pull down his pants! Nobody cares.
But maybe I'm being too hard on the media. Besides, we're all dealing with this Brad/Jen breakup and I'm a little crabby myself. I'm sorry.

Friday, January 07, 2005

Leave Off the Last 'S' for 'Smoldering'

Aaron Carter's Escolade burst into flames yesterday shortly after he drove over a mattress. Unfortunately, he pulled over and got out before it ignited. The mattress fell off a truck he was driving behind and caught fire underneath the Cadillac. A lot of things came to my mind when I heard this story:
1. Why the hell would you drive over a mattress? Did he want that "off-road" experience on the highway?
2. He can afford his own SUV? Who buys his crappy albums?
3. He can drive? Isn't he, like, 13?
4. This is the best thing that's ever happened to his career.
5. If he hadn't gotten out, and Ashlee Simpson and Ryan Cabrera were also inside, it may have been the greatest day in music history.
He was also quoted as saying, "You think you're invincible when you're behind the steering wheel of an SUV but you're not." Yeah, because they never roll-over or do poorly in crash tests. Or burst into flames after you drive over a mattress.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Jon Stewart Should've Been Person of the Year

Here's some good news for a change: CNN is canceling Crossfire. However, although they didn't renew Tucker Carlson's contract, the bow-tied asswipe might wind up on MSNBC. God, I hate bow ties! Even moreso than I hate Tucker Carlson.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

My Feelings Thus Far

Well, we're into the fourth day of 2005. Isn't it awesome? It's just as awesome as we all knew it would be on New Year's Eve. Awesome, just awesome.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

A Spicey Meata-ball

I was at an Italian-style pizzeria today, meaning they have the personal sized pies and stuff. I asked the waitress how big the large pie was and she told me, "Eight slices." Now I didn't realize it at first, but any Neapolitan pie is eight slices. Hell, you can slice any circular food into eight slices. That doesn't indicate the diameter of the pizza. Next time, just do that thing where you show me the size in the air with your fingers.