The Whole Grain News Source Developed by NASA for a Post-9/11 World
Hillary Clinton fainted during a speech on Social Security today in Buffalo. They say she was told right before going onstage that her husband has cheated on her for years and was caught way off guard. Poor thing. Either that or she was imitating what happens to women at the Social Security age. She didn't break her hip but that would have been a little overboard. Someone did manage to take a picture as it happened: Senator Clinton
Condi Rice called the Iraqi election today "better than expected." Thirty-five people were killed, plus nine suicide bombers. Sounds like a success to me. That's less than four kills per bomber. Millions did show up to vote, however, and out of habit it looks like Jeb Bush tried to rig the election again. Who do you think caused that debacle in the Ukraine? The turnout percentage-wise will probably be better than our own election. Maybe Iraq should invade us and show the American people some pointers on democracy. They're clearly doing something better than we do. These Iraqis were risking their lives to vote and we don't go because the local polling area is four blocks away and we can't get a ride.
The C train is sidelined for three to five years possibly, and all thanks to a homeless guy who started a fire. This hobo is obviously some sort of terrorist mastermind who must've been working on this diabolical plot for years. Either that or just a homeless guy trying to keep warm. Pfft, yeah right. I bet he dug his way here from China, just like those completely real, not made up dirty bomb planters in Boston. But three to five years to fix some cables? C'mon, I set up my wireless DSL in like two hours. Maybe the mayor knows somebody.
I saw a commercial for the next episode of "7th Heaven" and it seems they're doing that whole pregnant-lady-giving-birth-in-an-elevator thing. Yawn. And I was going to start watching the WB this week. Maybe in February.
Just want to wish Donald Trump all the luck in the world with his new hot wife who loves him for who he is, not because he's a billionaire and since she's foreign isn't aware that we all make fun of his hair and how often he gets married. Third time's a charm, right, Donald?
There's a blizzard going on here in NYC. As usual, the weathermen/women/Janice Huff had no idea how bad it was going to be until, oh, yesterday. They're talking a foot to two feet, which is why it's great to be in the weather business. You can be off by 100% and people will still pay attention to you. Weatherbug was no help either yesterday, letting me know there would be 4-6 inches today and that's it. That's the great thing about ranges: they give you a buffer to be inaccurate or lie or take a complete guess because you have no clue what you're talking about.
I saw a newspaper headline this morning that said, "Bush to Speak About Freedom." It referred to the inauguration today, but that has to be the least informative headline I've seen in awhile (including the ones on this site that I write myself). Maybe a less obvious headline would've said, "Air to Be Breathed Today," or, "Traffic Lights to Change Colors," or, "Knicks Lose." And so begins the second installment of 1,461 days of a president I abhor.
Ever be just sitting around when all of a sudden a chunk of ear wax falls right out your ear? I think it's humbling.
I'm very confused by this Kirstie Alley brouhaha going on these days. She hasn't been seen in movies since the Oscar-worthy Look Who's Talking trilogy and those creepy Pier 1 ads and the media is acting like she's the best thing since sliced bread. She has a new show coming out and a Jenny Craig endorsement deal. The problem is that the show is already overhyped, so if it's not hilarious then it's done for. Isn't that right, Father of the Pride? I don't get why it's funny when she talks about how fat she is. Yes, she's fat. In fact, whenever she's on TV she's either eating or talking about eating. However, who gives a shit. Louie Anderson jokes about being fat and he hasn't gotten much attention lately. I guess it's sorta like how the Queer Eye guys talk about how gay they all are. It's like we think they didn't notice they were gay. Then when they talk about it it's PC to laugh at how gay they all are. Eh, I can laugh about how fat Kirstie Alley is by myself, thank you very much.
The Jets. Lose. Again. I can't say I'm surprised, because when they don't play well they seem to win and when they play well they seem to lose. And what better way to reward perpetual losers than by giving them a brand new stadium that will cost us all hundreds of millions of dollars? If the Jets can make the Super Bowl, maybe, maybe they should build the West Side stadium. Until then they should have to settle for another team's field.
It was announced that the search for WMDs in Iraq is officially over. Total found: zero. To that I say, "Mission accomplished!" Because there were still like four or five people out there who thought we might find some, so they felt an announcement was the right thing to do. I don't see how Bush could give up now. The election just ended, so he's got a lot more free time now to concentrate on finding clues. Send the CSI casts over there. Look in every outhouse, doghouse, lighthouse, funhouse, halfway house, and house of sand and fog Iraq has to offer. Maybe we would've found them in a haunted hotel or abandoned amusement park. Somewhere an old man in a ghost costume is laughing his ass off. But hey, at least we got a terrible war out of it. And they say Iraq has oil. Who would've guessed?
Oh, how terrible! Randy Moss pretended to moon the crowd and didn't show any skin or physically pull down his pants! Nobody cares.
Aaron Carter's Escolade burst into flames yesterday shortly after he drove over a mattress. Unfortunately, he pulled over and got out before it ignited. The mattress fell off a truck he was driving behind and caught fire underneath the Cadillac. A lot of things came to my mind when I heard this story:
Here's some good news for a change: CNN is canceling Crossfire. However, although they didn't renew Tucker Carlson's contract, the bow-tied asswipe might wind up on MSNBC. God, I hate bow ties! Even moreso than I hate Tucker Carlson.
Well, we're into the fourth day of 2005. Isn't it awesome? It's just as awesome as we all knew it would be on New Year's Eve. Awesome, just awesome.
I was at an Italian-style pizzeria today, meaning they have the personal sized pies and stuff. I asked the waitress how big the large pie was and she told me, "Eight slices." Now I didn't realize it at first, but any Neapolitan pie is eight slices. Hell, you can slice any circular food into eight slices. That doesn't indicate the diameter of the pizza. Next time, just do that thing where you show me the size in the air with your fingers.
There are lots of places to get the news, and there are lots of places to get the news with a twist of humor, but here you get all that from the blog of a smartass from Brooklyn. And it's updated (semi)regularly.
