Friday, February 28, 2003

A new product is on the market
Tired of filling up that SUV with ordinary unleaded gasoline? Well not anymore! Now there's the new blood powered car. Show those blasphemous "Americans" chanting 'No blood for oil' who's boss. The blood powered car runs on pure Iraqi blood and no other, completely justifying a war with Iraq. Here's how it works: All Iraqis have a certain DNA characteristic (let's just call it the "hiding weapons of mass destruction gene") that is the key ingredient to getting this car going! Just in time for the 50th anniversary of the discovery of the double helix! (Don't forget to pick up your double helix commemorative quarter! Only $39.95!) Hurry! Supplies are limited!

Thursday, February 27, 2003

The day the speedy deliveries stopped Some sad news: Mr. Rogers died today. I'll always remember our trips to the crayon factory and the supermarket together.

Wednesday, February 26, 2003

Hey hey, ho ho, these pointless rallies have got to go There have been a lot of rallies all over the place lately against the war on Iraq. What these protesters don't realize is that rallies don't do shit. When was the last time there was a rally and afterward people were like, "Hey, good thing we had that rally. Things really changed after that." If you want change, you gotta riot. Maybe a few bricks through the Oval Office windows would start something, or at least get you noticed.

Monday, February 24, 2003

The most boring awards show I've ever seen And the Grammy for person who 90% of the people watching at home have no clue who you are but you're still winning a lot of Grammys goes to...

Friday, February 21, 2003

The Truth Uncovered There's been a lot of talk lately about links between Osama bin Laden's al Qaeda and Saddam Hussein. Are they linked or aren't they? Well, I decided to figure this out using a simple game of "Six Dregrees of Kevin Bacon." The results may shock you:
OK, remember when actor Sean Penn went to Iraq a while ago? Let's just assume he met Saddam or people who know Saddam--->

Penn is in the movie 'Mystic River' with Kevin Bacon, which should come out this year--->

Bacon was in the movie 'Novacaine' with Keith David (yea, I never heard of him either)--->

David was in 'Final Fantasy' with James Woods--->

Woods was once on a flight to LA with some of the 9/11 hijackers (I'm not making that up) who of course knew bin Laden.
There you have it, there is indeed a link between al Qaeda and Saddam Hussein. Your welcome, Donald Rumsfeld.

Gettin' some ink done Obviously some people out there still weren't sure if Mike Tyson was clinically insane or not. That's why he got a new facial tattoo, just to clear things up with the non-believers. And he says it's not even done yet! Why doesn't he just get "PSYCHO" in big red letters on his forehead? The new tattoo is a Maori warrior symbol. His other tattoos are of Arthur Ashe and Mao Zedong. Their families should sue. A tennis player, a communist leader, and now a tribal symbol. And I know every guido in New York is like, "What an idiot! A tribal tattoo?" (Note: in case you didn't know, every guido in NY has a tribal tattoo. It's mandatory.) And then he's at a press conference with his 9-month-old, NIBBLING ON HIS ARM. This guy makes Michael Jackson look like father of the year. If someone is deliberately getting impregnated with Mike Tyson's baby, then I'm embarrassed to be of the same species as her. I really am.

Wednesday, February 19, 2003

I Got No Motivation -Green Day I saw in the paper today that another jogger was robbed. I don't get why criminals are wasting their time on small fish like joggers. Rob a bank. Kidnap a Rockerfeller maybe. Joggers don't carry a lot of cash with them. The reason people do jog is that they get in shape while not spending a lot of money. Not many people go yacht shopping after a 10-K. Rich joggers have their own treadmills, or in some cases their own parks. In this incident, they got $20 and a Metrocard. Whoopee, break out the Crystal. Cue that "movin' on up" theme song from 'The Jeffersons.' Retire and move to Florida. C'mon, guys. You can do better than that.

Tuesday, February 18, 2003

The BIG News With impending war and fake terror tips coming from all directions, it's time to talk about the main thing on everyone's mind: Evan picked Zora on 'Joe Millionaire'! And that "big twist" ending was that Fox gave them a million dollars. Some twists that may have been better: After slipping the butler a few too many Manhattans, the women all found out Evan's big secret in the first episode. Oops! Evan really did have the $50 million, but it was made by mailing envelopes from the comfort of his own home. The castle they shot the show in was where Saddam Hussein is hiding his weapons of mass destruction. And finally: It turns out they all wanted Evan for his brain.

Monday, February 17, 2003

Water, water everywhere... I woke up to like 2 feet of snow outside. This type of thing must drive coccaine addicts in rehab crazy. Better than the first? When we invade Iraq, what are they gonna call the war? 'Desert Storm II: Dubya's Revenge' sounds apropos.

Saturday, February 15, 2003

"These aren't the nukes you're looking for" Doesn't "Hans Blix," the UN weapons inspector, sound like the name of a 'Star Wars' character?

Friday, February 14, 2003

Don't seize the day Valentine's Day, we meet again. The most commercial "holiday" (or should I say Hallmark-iday) of the year is back and I didn't fall for it. It's more commercial than Christmas, because no one ever even talks about "the true meaning of Valentine's Day." I bought nothing relative to February 14th, and I'm proud of it. Not a rose, not a card, not even those nasty ass candy hearts with dopey sayings like "U R CUTE" on them. Nothing. And I feel bad for people who do. Between orange alerts and impending war, I'm supposed to buy a Whitman's Sampler to show someone I care? Screw that. I've even seen commercials for diamonds. No way am I ever buying a girl diamonds for Valentine's. Just shoot yourself if you do. The card seems to be very important to girls today. Hey, if it gets you some action, it's well worth the $2.95. The main reason I hate Valentine's Day is that it makes you feel like you're supposed to have someone and if you don't, you're a loser. And then people think something is wrong with you if you don't have a girlfriend 365 days a year.

Thursday, February 13, 2003

On the case This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock radio of perhaps 12 new things to look out for in my personal war on terror. I realize now that I'm on a mission. I am agent Jack Bauer. Cyanide gas in the subways was my first warning. Lucky for me, cyanide bombs always contain the words "THIS IS A CYANIDE BOMB" in big bold letters on the side. So I know exactly what I'm up against. However, that is just something the government says is a possibility. God only knows what would be in a package that said "THIS IS A BOX OF ANTHRAX." Also, my dad brought home not 1, but 2, yes 2 boxes of Wheaties cereal. He didn't waste his money on duct tape and bottled water. He knows what we need to succeed. Olympic gold medalist Sarah Hughes was on neither box. But on the bright side, both boxes came with Hot Wheels cars inside. I didn't even have to dig through the cereal, they were in separate bags next to the cereal bags. End transmission...

Wednesday, February 12, 2003

Downsizing Ms. Pac-Man Atari announced it's closing down operation. Over 100 jobs will be lost. Some of those becoming unemployed include: Blinky, Pinky, and Inky from 'Pac-Man' and the left bar from 'Pong' In case you were wondering, the 4th 'Pac-Man' ghost, Clyde, went back to school in 1991 and got his degree in accounting.

Tuesday, February 11, 2003

I hear dead people They played an audio tape on TV that's supposed to be Bin Laden's voice telling Iraq to respnd when we attack. The voice is sooo not his. He's dead. Duct Season It's gettin scary here in NYC. They're urging people to buy duct tape to seal windows and three days worth of bottled water and canned food. As usual, we're being told to "be on alert." Cuz we don't see enough weird shit in this city. After watching an episode of '24,' I think I'm ready for the bad guys.

Saturday, February 08, 2003

Check out those titles! I started adding titles to my posts. Enjoy.

A hairy situation I think the main reason to not trust Iraq is that everyone there has a mustache, including the women.

Friday, February 07, 2003

Bringin' our game to the next level The national terror alert level was raised to orange from yellow today. It's only a matter of time before people start coordinating their outfits to match the terror level. "Ohmygosh, did you hear what the president said today? Orange is the new yellow."

Thursday, February 06, 2003

I just watched the Michael Jackson interview on '20/20.' He's such a bad liar.

Wednesday, February 05, 2003

I've noticed a lot of people wearing berets around Manhattan lately, especially men. This upsets me, mostly because I take pride in French bashing. It's one of the things I value most as an American. I don't want any of their culture being infused here. Hopefully they disappear quickly (the berets and the French). The great thing about French bashing is it's not considered racism. Americans can say anything about the French and we don't have to worry about some activist group coming out and saying it's wrong, cuz they probably all hate the French as well. I could say they were a bunch of croissant eating, non-bathing, Jerry Lewis loving, Nazi surrendering, rude arrogant assholes and no one would care. That's also one of the reasons we're not so fond of Canada. Do ya think we'd bash Canada if blacks or Hispanics predominantly lived there? Hell no, cuz that would be rascist. Go ahead, insult the French. It feels good and you know it.

My friend told me today that he was in Subway the sandwich place and a fire broke out. I think it was in the kitchen. Question: How does a fire start there in a place they make sandwiches?

Tuesday, February 04, 2003

This guy in one of my classes sounds kinda like Daniel Stern (the burglar who wasn't Joe Pesce from 'Home Alone' and the narrator in 'The Wonder Years'). He was sitting behind me today, I just wanted to hear him say "I couldn't stop thinking about Winnie Cooper" or something like that out loud, it would've been hilarious.

Sunday, February 02, 2003

RIP Columbia crew