Our Newest Edition... NBC has fired journalist Peter Arnett after he told Iraqi televison that the U.S.'s war plan against Hussein had failed. On the other hand, I'd like to announce BQAN's newest Iraq field reporter, Peter Arnett! Welcome, Peter! Here's a transcipt of Big Pete's first BQAN report from Iraq: "We're all gonna die! The Iraqis are gonna kick are asses! Viva Hussein!" Thanks, Peter, for that insightful analysis.

Weapons of Mass Disappointment So Iraq announced it's going to be using suicide bombers. As a result, the stock price of Suicide Bombers 'R Us is expected to rise Monday. But really, how freaking unoriginal is that? That same old car bomb or walking into a crowded area routine. Can't they come up with something new? We've got these Stealth Bombers that can drop precise, laser-guided bombs that cost millions of dollars and can blow up your entire ancestry, and they're making bombs with instructions they got off the Internet and putting them in the back seat of a Ford Escort. Where are these chemical weapons we keep hearing so much about? The Iraqis are stealing tactics from Bugs Bunny. I guess fighting Afghanistan was too far down at the bottom, so we went to the next country that was a notch above the Stone Age.

Thoughts on Operation: Oil Freedom At first I wasn't really in favor of the idea of starting a war with Iraq. But now that the war has begun, I'm kinda like, "Well, since we're already there, we might as well kick some ass." I'd hate for us to make the trip for nothing, ya know?

Just a thought At what point in a man's life does he find the need to buy himself a valour jumpsuit?

Shameless Plugging Yet Again I just realized my school newspaper (which I write for) has a website where you can read the articles from the latest issues. Sooo, I added a "Ticker articles" link section on the left there. My latest article about DVDs is there for your reading disappointment.

Cry Me A Sand Dune A few musicians are releasing anit-war songs to show how they're all cool and loving and go against the grain. The Beastie Boys came out with one, and Lenny Kravitz is doing one with an Iraqi pop star. Yes, that's right, an Iraqi pop star. I didn't think Iraq was allowed to have pop stars, so he must be one of Saddam's sons. It's the only explanation. Plus you probably wouldn't have to be that good a singer to be a pop star there. I think if you can't raise goats well they make you a pop star; it's almost a punishment. But why no pro-war songs? I could see Kid Rock and every other country singer coming out with one, being that they love being American but still fly Confederate flags. I'd at least give them credit for having the balls to sing them.

Oscar Loves Chachi Just a few Oscar notes: Who told Adrien Brody he could just kiss everyone at the Academy Awards? Luckily, I couldn't find the pic of him hooking up with Michael Moore. Moore, however, was really mad when he found out his Oscar was not made of chocolate.

Sex Sells...in the Discount Bin Sex has fallen out of it's coveted first place spot in Internet searches. War is now number one. Apparently people are sooo tired of sex being everywhere. What we really want is bloodshed, not girls shedding clothes. And there's hardly any coverage on television of the war, so can you blame web surfers for trying to keep up with this little publicized fighting? I must admit though that I'm kind of disappointed in sex now. Sex was king of the hill, top of the list. It didn't look like it could be beat. Then a war starts and in a week's time it loses it's hold on first place. Talk about choking. But it's probably just a fad. I'm sure sex will eventually return to glory and go back to being all we think about. Until then, go to Google and type in "scud missile" or "bunker buster" and live it up.

IRAQ DENIES BUCS WON SUPER BOWL A spokesman for Iraq insists the Tampa Bay Buccaneers did not win Super Bowl XXXVII, according to the Associated Press. "The Raiders were clear favorites," said Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, the Iraqi minister of information said Friday. "Obviously Oakland won the Super Bowl and covered the spread." Others were not so sure over the accuracy of this statement. "The Bucs won 48-21, I watched in on TV, " said Josh Haden of Florida, wearing a Super Bowl Champion Buccaneers T-shirt. "I was at the Super Bowl in San Diego," said Bill O'Keefe of Dallas, Texas, "the Bucs creamed'em." "We didn't win the game, " said Jerry Rice, a wide receiver for Oakland. Al-Sahhaf could not be reached for comment.

Brainstorm Ya know what would be great? If all the TV networks showed the war all day. Think about it. Who wouldn't want to watch a fully green screen with a British reporter babbling about nothing and being repeatedly cut off while a bar scrolled at the bottom with NCAA tournament updates for like the entire day? They're missing out on a great opportunity.

America: Fighting Wars Without Congressional Consent For Over 50 Years I like how Bush just sent a letter to Congress saying we're going to war. Actually, Congress has to declare war for it to be an official war, and that hasn't happened since WWII. So technically, we're not at war. We're just blowin shit up for fun. But anyway, how does Congress feel about this? They must be like, "Hey a letter. 'Dear Congress, It's not you, it's me...' I can't believe he started a war without us. Is it something we did? This always happens to us. Why can we never find a decent guy who won't leave us for someone else. I hope you and this Saddam are very happy together!"

Will the real Iraqi dictator please stand up There's debate now over whether the guy who appeared on Iraqi TV last night was really Saddam or a body double. Real Saddam on right, shady Saddam on left I think this would make for a pretty good episode of "To Tell the Truth."

Bombs Over Baghdad War make Pope angry!

Sayonara! Due to impending war, Major League Baseball has canceled its season opener between the A's and Mariners in Tokyo. The people of Japan will now be forced to watch their crappy Japanese pro baseball as an alternative, while the only good players there continue to leave so they can play in America and our own crappy American players go there when their careers decline.

Hey kids! Terror threat levels got you down? Not anymore! Thanks to the Terror Alert Fun Pals! All your favorite cartoon characters and a muppet are here to show you how fun it can be to be in a state of panic! Representing green, or low, terror threat, it's everyone's favorite alien from prehistoric times, the Great Gazoo, from "The Flintstones"! Representing blue is that little blue guy who seems to know a lot, Papa Smurf! For elevated alert, are you ready for some nautical nonsense? It's Spongebob Squarepants! And for that scary high, or orange alert, it's Tigger from "Winnie the Pooh"! Lastly, for that dreaded severe alert, it's cute little Elmo from "Sesame Street"! So next time you're too worried about impending war or biological attacks, just remember: the Terror Alert Fun Pals are around! (Note: Terror Alert Fun Pals will not actually prevent any attacks on America)

Coming Very Soon

Top of the mornin' to ya Today is St. Patrick's Day. St. Patrick, as you know, is the patron saint of drunken madness. Though I like the drunken part, I'm not so crazy about the madness. There are just too many parades, and parades are always a reason themselves to get drunk. There's no need to throw in an Irish hero for it. I'm not really a big fan of this holiday, and I'll tell you why. I look Irish, but I'm not. I've got the red hair and pale skin, but I'm Italian. So I feel awkward celebrating a day that's for people who look like me. Though today they always say "everyone's Irish on St. Patrick's Day." That's kinda rude I think. Maybe everyone doesn't want to be Irish. And that sorta cheapens actually being Irish. Plus no one ever says "everyone's Puerto Rican on Puerto Rico day" or "everyone's gay on gay pride day." Oh, well. Enjoy your green beer.

Golden Age's Gym Part 2: On Da Streets I had to go to a community board meeting last night for school. It was actually kinda interesting. A cop there said they caught this old lady who pickpocketed like 36 people. This was definitely one smooth old lady. It would've been hilarious if she stole all the wallets from young black men. She's in jail right now, probably complaining about the weather.

Golden Age's Gym In an attempt to go during a less crowded time, I went to the gym at school this morning at about 8:45, after my first class (yes, I have a class at 7:25, and yes, I know that sux). Although it was pretty empty, I found that one group took up an obvious portion of those there: old people. Something about watching old people work out is just not enjoyable. Oh wait, it's beacuse they're old. And this is a school gym. Where are they coming from? And of course I overheard them complaining about stuff. Not many know this, but old people actually write a list in the morning of all the things they're going to complain about that day. The weather is always first on the list; no matter what it's like, the elderly find something wrong with it. Then other miscellaneous things fill the rest of the day's agenda: young people, how young people act, dress, and how "it wasn't like that in my day." Don't forget how they don't understand new technology. Stop living in the past already. Those days are over, deal with it.

False Start I went to see Sum 41 last night at Roseland and one of the worst bands I've seen in a while, The Starting Line, opened. Talk about not having an original sound. Anyway, in an attempt to be all rebellious, the singer mentioned the striking Broadway musicians outside and how his band was different because they were "all about the music" and didn't want more money to play. They aren't even on strike for more money, they just want to keep their jobs. Maybe he should actually find out what people are doing before bashing them.

It almost makes sense Scientists who were thought to have known how Jupiter got its stripes are not sure any more after recent photos taken of the largest planet in the Milky Way. Of course, I have my own theory of how it all happened...

Cut the music Musicians on Broadway went on strike last night at midnight to protest the cutting of orchestra sizes. Many shows have been shut down. Question: why couldn't this happen when 'Cats' was still running?

Leave the gun, take the friggin money This week's Stuck Up Actor Award goes to James Gandolfini of 'The Sopranos.' Apparently, $400,000 an episode is not enough for Tony Soprano. He wants more and is suing HBO. The media is going crazy with the phrase "an offer he can't refuse," cuz no one has ever said that before and it sounds so original. I hope they wack him in the first new episode, scheduled to air next century.

Hey, we got one! The CIA caught the guy who planned the 9/11 attacks in Pakistan over the weekend.
But is it really a terrorist, or just porn star Ron Jeremy after a rough night on the town?