Total Request Dead Ok, this is just getting ridiculous now. Actor Charles Bronson has died. Celebrities are dying off in record numbers all of a sudden. Bob Hope, Barry White, Gregory Hines, Katherine Hepburn, too name but a few, have died recently. What's the cause of this spike, I wondered. Reality TV was my answer. So many nobodies have become celebrities lately that more older ones are kicking the bucket to maintain a system of checks and balances. It's because of "actors" like Trista Renn and Rocco from "The Restaurant" killing everyone's favorite performers. Plus we have people like Carson Daly and Kelly Ripa appearing on about 16 different shows a day each, throwing everything out of whack. We need the Secret Service on Jack Nicholson ASAP.

College School Today I helped move my freshman sister into Fordham University. If you like blondes and puka necklaces, go there. It is your utopia.

Who shot J.D.? Just a tip for the kids: You gotta be careful when consuming alcohol. Anytime a night of drinking goes awry (i.e. puking), it can often be traced back to a shot of something. You could be drinking beer all night, and out of nowhere a shot is poured in front of you. You didn't plan on having a shot, but someone will come up to you and say they just gotta do a shot with you cuz you're the man and they want the honor of doing a shot with the man [Side Note: When you're drunk, a lot of people also tend to become "the man." It could be someone you just met 5 minutes ago, but you saw them do something that isn't that great but seems great cuz you're drunk. Being the man suddenly isn't so special, and you come up with other terms for those who can truly embody "the man" (see: "champion")]. So where was I? Right, the shot. Yea, the next day you'll just think to yourself, "I was doing just fine with my Heineken. What the hell happened? ....Wait, we did a shot, didn't we? Aww, damn."

Fo' shizzle I just finished watching the MTV Video Music Awards, and it was pretty obvious what the theme of this year's show was: White people talking like black people. Even the really white celebrities were talking like they were straight out the hood, yo. You expect it now from Eminem and Justin Timberlake, but now Adam Sandler, Jason Biggs, and other crazy caucasians were actin' the fool. What the dilly?

Retaliation Dear Unsatisfied Reader, We here at BQAN are sorry to hear of your unhappiness with our site. We realize we can't please all of the people all of the time, and that you don't seem to be pleased with anything ever. But we're also disappointed. You could have done so much better with that rant. We were hoping for at least a reference to injecting the site with an AIDS needle. Or maybe getting a SARS-infected Chinese man to come cough on our keyboard. How about one about there being a better chance of Christopher Reeve walking again then our site being funny. To top it all off, a joke about giving the site an abortion behind a 7-11 with a rusty wire hanger would have had us all in stitches for days. In the meantime, this site will go on. And we'll try not to ruin your life. -Mgmt

Retired but not forgotten The Yankees retired Ron Guidry's number 49 yesterday in a pre-game ceremony. I think that leaves about 4 available numbers for future players to have. That makes about 300 retired numbers by now. Hell, they retired number 8 twice. They'll probably have to start givin a few guys the same number to avoid spillage into negative digits and Roman numerals. "Now batting, number -85, followed by XVI."

I'm not this gullible I was looking at Amazon.com to buy the third season of "The Simpsons" and realize they already had it picked out for me based on my past buying habits. While some of these recommendations hit the mark, Amazon also tends to recommend to me the products I'VE ALREADY BOUGHT FROM THEM. Thanks, but no thanks.

"Clerks" Could Be a 9 Hour Film Ever been at work and a customer comes in and tries to make conversation about the weather? "Hey, it's a lot cooler oustide then it was yesterday." In case you haven't noticed, I've been stuck in this building all day so your dumb ass can come in here and find that played out Abercrombie & Fitch trucker hat you've just gotta have. Do us both a favor and don't talk at all. Tilt your mesh cap to the side and walk out.

Last night I went to see "Freddy Vs. Jason," and it was actually kinda entertaining in a scary movie kind of way. All the typical horror movie motifs, from the skinny dipping nudity, to the shower nudity, to the mooning nudity. And a buncha people got killed I think. Crossovers can either be really good or really cheesy, and I guess this one was in the middle somewhere. Cuz when you were a kid and saw something like "The Jetsons Meet the Flintstones," it completely blew your mind. Your little kid brain just couldn't handle the shear joy of two worlds colliding. Now you see something like "Rugrats Go Wild" and it's just a cheap attempt at making a buck. A trailor before the movie even came on had me feeling I got my money's worth. Not because the Rock and Sean William Scott from "American Pie" are in a new movie (that guy should just change his name to "Stifler," his career would benefit so much. He's trying to pull off that 3 name garbage, when he should just go for the 1 name garbage). But Christopher Walken is in the movie and says both "Wow" and "Ow" in the trailor alone. Talk about fulfillment. Oh and those commercials before the movie comes on about not downloading movies online are just pathetic. No one feels sorry for you when college students are getting subpeonas for getting an MP3 of "Shake ya tailfeather" off Kazaa. I paid for the movie, so stop preaching to the choir, and make with the dancing popcorn and soda again. Now that's entertainment.

BLACKOUT A HOAX Was Just Test Run For Mayor’s New Project The “Blackout of 2003,” which left New Yorkers without power for almost 48 hours this week, was a fake, officials say. The lack of power Thursday and Friday was a practice run for Mayor Mike Bloomberg’s newest proposition, “the ban of electricity.” “Electricity is a disgusting habit that leaves your clothes smelling bad and your teeth yellow,” said Bloomberg. “Plus, if you live under power lines, you’re probably screwed up somehow. If we ban electricity, it’ll greatly improve our quality of life. Just look at how awesome the Amish are.” Other New Yorkers didn’t share the same enthusiasm for the mayor’s new idea. “What is he, f#!%in crazy?” asked Paula Reynolds of Jamaica, Queens, when she heard of the hoax. “He is so not getting reelected,” said Jack Harris, a kinda weird looking guy from Greenwich Village. “That’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard, and I was living here when Dinkins was mayor.” The proposed ban of electricity follows Bloomberg’s ban of smoking that made it illegal to smoke in bars, clubs, restaurants, houses, museums, bodegas, malls, smoke shops, nursery schools, gas tanks, whorehouses, and anywhere else you can think of with more then 3 people in attendance. Smoking therefore is still allowed at Shea Stadium. The mayor has more bans in store for the coming months, including a ban of water, a ban of ugly people, and a ban of throwback sports jerseys. “Those old Houston Astros just have to go,” said Bloomberg.

Random Thought #4011 What is the big deal with riding shotgun? Honestly, I don't see any huge advantage. Control of the radio stations maybe, but other then that, nothing to motivate me to actually call "shotgun."

Random Thought #89054 Ever since the blue M & M was voted to be the new color years ago, it hasn't really done anything special. They should just put a picture of Gray Davis on it. Or Tom Ridge. Or Tom Arnold for that matter.

You can take that to the bank I don't understand how people are still getting upset by long lines at the bank. Banks have been around how many years now, and people are still acting like they're used to it being like the line for 'Gigli.' They've continued to have long lines because the people complaining don't know how to operate a friggin ATM. Swipe card, press numbers, money come out. Simple. I guess waiting on the line gives old people something else to complain about. Gives their day meaning. It makes sense considering 98% of the people you see in banks are over 65. It's a perfect match. Using the ATM would just be too futuristic and confusing, but make their day easier, which would be too hard for them to handle. Old people need to get their feathers ruffled on a regular basis.

Who let the fags out? Is it just me, or are gay people suddenly everywhere? There's some new show where these five gay guys teach straight men how to dress, cuz us heteros find it totally difficult to find a shirt and pants that match. 'Will and Grace' is airing its 100th episode (also showing that episode is its 10 millionth gay joke). The Episcopal church has a clergyman who had the guts to admit he's gay. Now gays wanna be married really badly. Wait till they want a divorce, they'll curse the day. I don't have anything against gay people. Hell, if you're ever in an argument with someone, I like having a gay man on my side. They'll tell off anyone. I'd also take a black woman for insurance.

Kobe Suddenly Out of the Spotlight The list of people who want to be California's next governor is quite entertaining to say the least. Okay, okay, it's a freak show. Larry Flynt, a porn star, Arnold, and Gary "Don't Call Me Webster" Coleman. I say ya gotta go with Arnold. And I've already thought up some campaign buttons he can use to destroy the competition like puny bug. Aright, so they're just ripoffs of some movie lines. Sue me.

Check that So I'm at work today trying to figure out how to fake my own death when I get this pile of checks to process. Now I can't stand all these "personalized" checks that people have. Make up your own design for the check, then it's personalized. You're not the only one out there with Winnie the Pooh checks. But this check was just beyond tasteless. It had the picture of the firefighters raising the flag at Ground Zero after the terrorist attacks. Who has the balls to order these checks? Personally, I'd love to be reminded of the worst day of my life when I'm paying my cell phone bill. Imagine getting one in a birthday card. "Hey Grandma, thanks for the $10 check and the horrible nightmares plaguing me all over again." Ya know what, go with the Pooh bear checks.

God Declares Bankruptcy Heaven May Have to Shut Its Gates (CNN) Trinity City, Heaven- Everyone now has more money that God. God, creator of everything, yesterday filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, stating he'd wasted all His money on fountains and cool stuff for Heaven. "I should've gotten a financial advisor," God said in a universewide press conference. “I mean, let’s face it, we’ve been operating on no income for eternity. I’ve been running this place out of my own pocket. Plus I never should have let the Holy Spirit do my books.” Heaven will stay operational during bankruptcy in hopes of emerging, but cutbacks are inevitable. Hundreds of archangels have already been laid off, and more are expected in the next few weeks. No additional souls will be let into Heaven after the end of the month. Those already in Heaven are looking for new places to rest their souls. "We found this nice place in purgatory," said Jim Gomez, a Heaven resident for the last 22 years. "My wife and I are gonna stay there, the rent's stabilized and its got 2 bedrooms. We really lucked out." During the dot com bust a few years ago, Hell plunged into the red and is still recovering. “I took some bad advice from Hitler, “said Satan, president of Hell. “He got really into the whole Internet boom. We had this service for when you go on vacation and you need someone to take a picture of you and your family, that you could go to our web site and hire us to take it. In hindsight it was a pretty stupid idea.” Coincidentally, boxing legend Mike Tyson filed for bankruptcy as well this week. “You didn’t have to be the Son of God to see that one coming, “ said Jesus Christ, Son of God/carpenter. “We’re expecting P. Diddy to at any moment,” he added.