Tuesday, September 30, 2003

Paper Tiger I managed to find a new person to hate on the subway. That guy who throws away sections of the New York Times that he doesn't want. Just throws them away in the station pails, knowing there are people on the train who don't have anything to read and would appreciate a complimentary Science Times. See, when I'm finished reading the Village Voice or some other crappy free newspaper, I leave it on the train, in a small ditch effort to help out my fellow man who may accidentally have bought the New York Post. It's not littering, I swear.

Monday, September 29, 2003

Another lost battle Work today was a scene right out of the ol' Seinfeld playbook, particularly the episode where Kramer does the AIDS walk but doesn't want to wear the AIDS ribbon, and everyone gives him a hard time. Yea, that was me today. Suddenly at work I'm required to wear this pink button cuz of this breast cancer donation drive we're doing. Now I wouldn't wish cancer on anyone, except for people it's ok for, like bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, and the band Simple Plan. But is wearing a pink button gonna find a cure? It sure ain't. How bout them scientists get a move on. Being the rebel that I sometimes pretend I to be, I try to get by without wearing it, until an overly observant customer looks at my coworkers and asks, "Where's your button?" Thanks, thanks a bunch. So now everyone's against me, asking where my button is (mainly because they don't wanna wear the damn thing either and want to pull me down with them). Eventually to my chagrin I put it on, piercing a dark hole through my white Oxford shirt/ego. Later I checked, and still no cure for cancer.

Sunday, September 28, 2003

No ade Bush just can't find anyone to help out in post-war Iraq. He's quickly turned into a sleazy used car salesman, trying to get that auto off the lot that he personally turned into a lemon.

Saturday, September 27, 2003

Blowin' off more steam I can't stand when people at the bank I work at request the denomination of bills they want. Especially when they're withdrawing like $30 and say "Oh, can I get that in five 5's and five singles." No, you can get it the way I feel like giving it to you, which is not the way you want it. The teller drawer is not your personal change purse. Other times after a larger withdrawal, people like to say "Now I can pay my bills hardy har har." Yea, cuz we all mail cash and coins to the credit card companies. They love that. You pay all your bills online or with a check or money order, you schmuck. Another great line after being handed a bill is "I just made it." Wow, freakin hilarious. To think how silly it would be for you to tell me you just made this Federal Reserve note while handing it to me for deposit. You are quite the cut-up. Didn't I see you at the Chuckle Hut doing those jokes about airline food and 'Gilligan's Island'? Yea, I thought so.

Thursday, September 25, 2003

Lirty Danguage I'm really getting tired of seeing people wearing those 'fcuk' shirts. You know, they say things like 'fcuk you' and 'love to fcuk.' At first I thought, "Oh look, it almost says 'fuck.'" But now everyone has them and it's like "OK, it almost says 'fuck.' We get it." The sad part is that this is as silly as the serious are gonna get, trying to look cool with their fcuking t-shirts and acid washed jeans.

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

Golden State Warriors The California recall debate was on tonight, and this was one debate that infotained like no other. What a motley crew of candidates, although Larry Flynt was for some reason not allowed to debate. I really wanted to hear his plan for education. Here are my thoughts... Tom McClintock: Probably won the debate, but lost points for having an uber creepy stare into the camera the whole time Peter Camejo: The word "super" should be used extremely rarely, as in "Superman" or "supernova." Going by this, goodbye to you and yours. Arianna Huffington: You'd almost be a decent candidate if I didn't think you were the second coming of Celine Dion. I cannot take you seriously, and I'm sure more people in the world now hate you with a passion. Cruz Bustamante: This guy has such a soothing voice. Any minute I was waiting for him to go "Ever have that not-so-fresh feeling?" But I don't know about this guy. I can already see Horatio Sanz doing him on Saturday Night Live. And of course, Arnold: They all tried to make him look ignorant, and I have to say they succeeded. His replies were usually "It's important that we have xyz" with no real answer behind it. However, he did have the Quote of the Night to Celine Huffington, scripted or not:"Your personal income is the biggest loophole; I can drive my Hummer through it."

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

Improved security at U.N. No one's walking out of Macy's with these fellas.

Monday, September 22, 2003

I'm a survivor...I'm gonna make it... I was watching 'Survivor' last night for some reason, and they made the "tribes" go to this island and buy necessities. One tribe, though, left their raft alone filled with shoes next to an enemy tribesman (a hippy, no less) and he took their shoes and traded them for pineapples! They gotta put more hippies on that show, cuz that was just brilliant. Kudos to you, hippy!

Saturday, September 20, 2003

And the drinking continues... Last night I had a little too much to drink and didn't remember a whole lot (which never happens when you drink, so it kind of struck me as odd). But this morning when I woke up I found a pack of Marlboro Lights on the floor in my room. I don't smoke. In a drunken episode did I suddenly take up smoking? "Well I've been drinking tonight, so what better time to start buying $8 packs of cigarettes." Next time I drink too much I think I'll have to take up a new habit, like the Atkins diet, or maybe pole vaulting. My friends will be talking to me about it the next day: "Dude, you were so wasted, you're not eating carbs anymore. And you're trying out for the Olympics."

Wednesday, September 17, 2003

The F'in Train I'm on the F train today trying to catch up on some reading for school, when who walks into my car? That's correct, Mexicans with guitars. I'd like a little peace and quiet to myself (because by now I automatically block out the sound of the train and "Stacleaclosingdoor" by the conductor), but now I gotta deal with this crap for a few minutes. And then they want money from me. Look, most people on the train are reading or listening to music. Books and music they brought themselves, that they like. They've got their entertainment, so go elsewhere. I don't know anyone who listens to mariachi and tells their friends when these guys are playing. "Los Jackholes are playing on the downtown N tonight at 8! We gotta go!" I came prepared for the boring ride, I brought my book. If anything they should give me money for creating a disturbance and trying to fill a void that doesn't exist.

Tuesday, September 16, 2003

Man Buys Scorpions CD In Honor Of Isabel Swears It's Going To Rock Us Like A Hurricane Dan Sutcliff, 36, ran to his local music store Sunday after hearing Hurricane Isabel was headed for the east coast, officials say. "I just had to get the CD with that song 'Rock You Like a Hurricane' on it. I mean, this thing is gonna rock our socks off," said Sutcliff, a North Carlina resident. "What better song to listen at a time like this?" he added. Sutcliff purchased the Prince CD, "1999," right before the turn of the century. He also bought Corey Feldman's CD last year after having the urge to waste $3. After learning of the Scorpions CD, Sutcliff's neighbors all agreed they "really hate that guy."

Monday, September 15, 2003

Cruzin' USA The current California Lt. governor is Cruz Bustamante. How cool is that name? You could be a super hero and/or porn star with that name.

Saturday, September 13, 2003

Random Thought #631 Are there people who really like that Hummer limo? The thing looks retarded as is, but making it into a limo is just beyond idiotic. They almost make SUVs look like a good idea (I said almost). Perfect though if your senior prom is in Iraq.

Thursday, September 11, 2003

Sheer Greatness You know whats awesome? Having a grandparent who speaks about 7 words of English and drives you out of whatever room you're in with his loud snoring. Totally makes me glad I decided not to go away to college.

It's today So it's been two years since two years ago and what makes front page news? J.Lo and Affleck postpone their wedding. A moment of silence for Bennifer, please.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

(Name of girl in room) I just had a quiz with fill-in-the-blank questions. Ever be completely clueless as to what the answer is that you decide to start playing Mad-Libs? It's a great way to pass the time, and fail the test.

Monday, September 08, 2003

87 That Eighty-seven billion dollars. Yeah, I'm gonna have to go ahead and disgaree with you on that one.

Saturday, September 06, 2003

Random Thought #549 How do Jehovah's Witnesses feel about telemarketers? They must get annoyed, right?

Thursday, September 04, 2003

The City That Never Strays Today I saw a clown on the F train doing his "act" for the unsuspecting riders. Now some out-of-towner would read that and think "Only in New York. They're accustomed to that sort of thing there." People assume us New Yorkers are used to stupid crap like that, when we really aren't. There's the same knee-jerk reaction to any weird thing you might see, where you just think "What the hell is this?" as you stare in horrific fashion/laugh and point. But after a few seconds it just gets thrown into the "still not the weirdest thing I've seen in my life" folder.

Wednesday, September 03, 2003

"I'm here to learn, not to makeout with you" I started school yesterday and almost immediately could tell who the teacher's pets would be in each class. In the lecture hall classes they're tough to find, but in the smaller ones it's a snap. One pet was an easy ID, asking the teacher lame questions like what she thought about the type of job Alan Greenspan was doing. On the first day you know there's a shot of getting out of class a little early. Don't waste our time like that. I don't care what the professor thinks. Stay after by yourself and ask her if she likes pulp in her orange juice or some other inane query.