Friday, October 31, 2003

Pennies and candy corn I wound up not wearing a costume to work today like they wanted us to (take that corporate America!) and in retrospect I think it was a good move, for 2 main reasons: #1: Talking to cute girls. It's tough to get a girl to take you seriously when you're dressed like a big red M & M. By wearing my usual dapper attire, it was easier to talk to the female population. Sure, most of the ladies who come in there are 65+, but age ain't nothin but a number, right? Right? That being said, I still left work without anyone's phone number (probably a good thing). #2: Getting into fights with customers. Once again, you have a better chance of winning an argument if you don't look like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. You're on a level field and they can't say, "At least I'm not 21 years old and dressed like a Ninja Turtle." That usually causes me to lose most of my arguments, being that I dress like a Ninja Turtle every Tuesday and Thursday. Good thing today is Friday. Huge advantage right there.

Thursday, October 30, 2003

I remember it well... Remember that Halloween a few years back when everyone was afraid of the Bloods coming out and stealing their candy? Ever since then, I've seen a large drop in kids coming to my house for treats, obviously still afraid all their goodies will be stolen by these bad apples and their shenanigans.

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

"Come on down!" Rod Roddy, the announcer on The Price is Right, died yesterday. He was 66, but his actual retail age was 71, winning him the showcase showdown.

Sunday, October 26, 2003

He didn't earn his pinstripes I now retract my 10/17 statement retracting my 10/14 statement. Boone still sucks.

At least we beat Boston I awoke this morning with the bitter taste of defeat in my mouth, and not because of another unsuccessful night with the ladies. The Yankees lost the World Series. Again. For the second time in three years. This is tough to handle being a big Yankee fan. I'm not used to this kind of behavior, and I have breached into uncharted territory. I remember a time when they won 4 Series' in 5 years just a short time ago. Ahh, the good old days. And it had to be to scrubby expansion teams like the Marlins and Diamondbacks with historic players like Jeff Conine and Craig Counsel. At least if they lost to the Cubs it wouldn't be too bad, their fans have suffered long and it would almost be like an act of charity. But seriously, the Marlins and D'backs don't even have any real fans. No one out there is a die-hard Florida or Arizona fan and if you say you are, well, you're a liar. Florida is where old people go to die and screw up presidential elections, and Arizona is just a dryer version of Florida. How can you even root for teams whose colors are purple and teal? I just feel sorry if you do. At least all the stupid fish puns will end now. They were played out by Game 2. "Goin' fishin" and "hooked" and "out to sea" and all the other references will have to wait until the Marlins go 70-92 next year.

Saturday, October 25, 2003

Fiscal Policy Whenever I give out a lot of change to a commercial customer at the bank, then often ask for a plastic bag because the coins are heavy. Problem is the bag has the bank's logo on it, virtually eliminating all mystery of its contents. Maybe we should just give out bags with a big "$" on it like in the cartoons. It's about the same thing.

Friday, October 24, 2003

The fact is Florida has two Major League teams Here's my the lowest of my beef with the Marlins: they don't have a real stadium. In my opinion, you shouldn't start a team that doesn't have a stadium built or one in the process of being built. Pro Player is a football stadium and that's all it's good for. The outfield is ridiculous; left field has a clock that juts out on top of its poor excuse for a wall. Walls should be rectangular, this one looks like they had some extra plywood lying around and decided to go for a more retarded Green Monster. Center is about 600 feet away. Bernie Williams might have tied the game last night if the ball didn't have to hit Epcot Center to be a home run. Also, midterms and the World Series should never be held at the same time. Every major sport has its playoffs at a bad time: hockey and basketball in June, football in January. Finals are in June and midterms in January for high school students. I'm not sure about soccer though, cuz no one watches soccer in America so that wouldn't really matter. The final game could be during the SATs and it wouldn't conflict with anyone's schedule. I can't believe that league is even still around. Once again, playing in football stadiums. It just proves no one wants you here.

Thursday, October 23, 2003

Trick Halloween is next week already, you believe that? Kids don't even come to my house anymore for candy, it's kinda sad. There used to be so many, nowadays they're all out playing in the World Series I guess. I've been thinking about costume ideas, and here's what I came up with: Siamese twins joined at the head: a great costume for couples. Conjoined twins are all the rage these days, everyone's having them. You can even have the person going as a surgeon pretend to detach you. Don Zimmer: glue some grass on your face, put on a Yankee jersey and you're all set. John Allen Muhammad (one of the DC snipers): No, no, I ain't goin there. Walk around with your friends who are dressed as lawyers and fire them and then rehire them the entire night. David Gest: Just paint some fake bruises all over yourself. That's it for now. More to come?

Tuesday, October 21, 2003

Brain Delay At baseball games, when it's not in use, they have tarp they put on the tarp.

Monday, October 20, 2003

Puzzled I'm torn. Marlins pitcher Dontrelle Willis either looks like a kid they grabbed out of 9th grade special ed, or one of the members of Fat Albert's Junkyard Band.

Sunday, October 19, 2003

Anticlimax, anyone? The Yanks lost Game One of the World Series last night to the Marlins, 3-2. But I'm not even that excited about the World Series. The ALCS had a great matchup between two longtime rivals and ended in such dramatic fashion, and now the Yankees are playing a 10-year-old team, against which they've had a few interleague play games. And they're called the Florida Marlins. That name is soo expansion team. Beating the Red Sox will never get old. Year after year, their curse gets the best of them and the Yankees' scrappiest guy beats them with a home run or their first baseman makes the biggest error of his life, making everyone forget a good career. Like I said, year after year. Sure, Boston tries to ignore the curse with dopey rally cries like "Cowboy Up!," because we're all familiar with the thousands of cowboys who lived in Boston in the 1800's. Or they all shave their heads like they're in Little League or something. Makes you wonder if Grady Little would pack the team into his minivan after a game and take them out for Slushies.

Friday, October 17, 2003

Eating my words I hereby retract my 10/14 statement. The Babe and the billy goat are quite the tag team.

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

Get your ass to the North Pole What is with guys dressing up as Santa Claus at sporting events? It's been done over and over again, and it really serves no purpose. What does the family think of a man who dresses like Kris Kringle to go to a Dodgers game in July? In no way does it show how big a fan you are, but you're making sure to remind everybody there's only 167 shopping days til Christmas. I doubt all his friends pressured him into doing it. There's no way they all go see a movie dressed as their favorite fictional characters. And if they walk into a bar, it's just a bar joke waiting to happen.

Tuesday, October 14, 2003

The Unspeakable Awfulness of Aaron Boone Yankees third baseman Aaron Boone has done absolutely nothing this postseason and with good reason: he did absolutely nothing all year. The Yanks acquired this guy right before the July 31 trade deadline, presumably a good hitter. He must've been using Ken Griffey, Jr.'s bat in Cincinnati (or Ken Griffey, Jr.'s bat circa 1995) because I think the last time he got a hit was in August versus the Orioles, or maybe in t-ball against Frank's Dry Cleaners. I'll have to ask Elias Sports Bureau on that one. Plus Fox has had his brother, Bret, who plays for the Mariners, as a broadcaster during the playoffs and you just know he's embarrassed. He'll only talk about off the field stuff concerning his sibling. But you just know he's gonna bring it up this Thanksgiving. "Hey Bret, pass the stuffing." "Hey Aaron, don't pop up every at-bat." What would I do from now on? Bench him and stick Enrique Wilson at thrid. So says me, official armchair quarterback of life.

Monday, October 13, 2003

Update I had to change the guestbook service because is goin all premium on me. I'm not havin that, so I switched to bravenet. It's great that so much stuff on the Internet is free, so why pay for it? That explains why everyone is just wetting their pants with excitement over having to pay now for Napster.

Sunday, October 12, 2003

Trendspotter This weekend I noticed something women have been doing to get a man's attention. She kind of touches the area above the guy's ass, not really a goose but not a tickle. I 've seen it done twice in two nights (I was one of the touchees, thank you very much). Maybe it's been around a while and I just never saw it, or I'm just letting the world in on a hot new trend. But both times the girls did it and then acted as if nothing happened. I'm sure this thing will last.

Thursday, October 09, 2003

Flyin' High Ever see North Carolina license plates? They have the words "First in Flight" on them. This is pure genius, reminding people that the Wright Brothers flew their crappy plane in your state and doing so on a vehicle that doesn't fly (unless you've seen Back to the Future Part II). It's the equivalent of having "57 Varieties" on a condiment bottle (see previous post). The sad thing is though that North Carolina isn't known for anything but that, so let's not let them know how pathetic the other states think they are. Except for of course South Carolina, bein all up North's ass 24/7.

Wednesday, October 08, 2003

"Hit the 57" Ok, the Heinz company always boasts on its labels, saying it's famous for its 57 varieties. How many Heinz products have you ever seen in your life? There's the ketchup, that's an easy one. Maybe I've seen relish and horseradish, possibly mayonaise, and that's it. I'm coming up about 53 varieties short. Sure, maybe they used to have 57, but not anymore, so let it go. You make good ketchup, emphasize the ketchup. People like it and better yet, have actually seen it.

1918, beyatch Yankees and Red Sox are facing off in the ALCS and it got me wondering: why do Yankees fans hate the Red Sox? We're the ones who've been winning all these years, while they're the ones cursed by the Bambino. We should love playing the Red Sox. History is on our side. Yanks in 6.

Monday, October 06, 2003

The message is clear Looks like I'm going to England: U need us :) Clinic helps switch off text addicts

Saturday, October 04, 2003

White tiger thunderzord power! Roy, of Siegfried and Roy fame, was mauled by a tiger during a show in Las Vegas and rushed to the hospital for a two hour surgery. Siegfried and Roy cancelled all their shows through Christmas, and as for the tiger, it will be added to the nearby Celine Dion show. I hope.

Wednesday, October 01, 2003

Il Papa Don't Preach? They're sayin now that the Pope is in pretty bad shape, or "in a very bad way," as someone who shouldn't give press conferences in English said. Pray for the Pope, everybody is saying. But what hope is there for all of us if the Pope needs our help? Surely his prayers must carry a lot more weight than everyone else's. He is the Pope after all. It feels kinda like donating money to help out Bill Gates. Pray for him anyway, but if I were Pope I'd just pray for myself. And the kids.