Sunday, February 29, 2004

An Ode to Leap Day: Once Every Four Years, Like Elections and Tool Albums Leap Day, An extra day, The one time we can cheat Death, A day that wasn't meant to be. Suck on that, Death, Suck on it . Fin.

Sunday Best There's this guy who goes to my church who looks just like Saddam Hussein. I think the next time we "offer peace" (shake hands), I'm gonna look in his mouth with my pen light. I don't get why we have to shake hands with the people around us. Has anyone ever started a fight in church? Maybe a long time ago someone pulled out a gun and ruined it for everybody, so now we have to touch each other. I don't like touching strangers or things strangers have touched, especially when they're all dipping their hands in the same water dish or drinking from the same cup. I know it's church, but germs still live in the house of God.

Friday, February 27, 2004

Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed and Something Covered in Twinkie Wrappers So Rosie O'Donnell tied the knot. Tom Cruise must be devastated. I even had the luck of seeing a picture of her kissing her new person she married (for lack of a better term referring to gay spouses, although I guess 'spouse' works). I may never again be turned on by lesbians getting it on.

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

Dr. Atkins Would Not Approve Since it's Ash Wednesday, Catholics cannot eat meat today or Fridays for the entire season of Lent, which has nothing to do with that stuff that forms in your dryer and belly button. Usually fish is eaten, because someone decided a long time ago that fish don't count as meat (probably Red Lobster). I've got the mom that reminds me 5 times a Friday I can't have meat (though I have forgotten and heard the motherly shrill when she walked in the door as I finished a bucket of fried chicken). I can't even have the foods that touched meat. Pasta with tomato sauce but without any major traces of meat? Nope. Soup made with chicken broth? Negative. Beef with a side of bacon strips? No way. If you can't get a decent mouthful of meat from a food, you should be given the go ahead to chow down.

Another Dumb Theory I think the only reason all this gay marriage talk is coming out (pun intended) is due to the popularity of shows like "Will and Grace" and "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." Once they're off the air, we can go back to hearing all about the climbing divorce rate.

Kodak Moments I recently started getting the Wall Street Journal delivered to my door in a shiny new plastic bag. It really is a great newspaper once you get past the bag, but there are these little black and white drawings within the articles that aren't of the writers, they're of whom the articles are about. They use a lot of shading and are almost lifelike. They get scarier as you go along, and look they're gonna start talking to me...

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

The Movie of the Gibson The new Mel Gibson film is supposed to be really gory. I've heard too many complaints already: "it's too gory," "it's offensive to Jews," "it lacks crop circles," "not enough myrrh." Shoulda done it in 3-D.

Monday, February 23, 2004

At This Rate, We'll Always Have Paris I think it's great how Paris Hilton is showing her versatility. She's becoming such a media attention whore, going beyond her other job of old fashioned regular whore. Good for her.

Fresh Start Today was the first workday since they changed a bunch of the subway routes, reason being that the MTA changes the routes so much anyway, they finally decided to make it official. The N going over the Manhattan Bridge has brought happiness and joy to those used to its normal molasses lined wheels. Feeling saucy, I took the N as in new home from school to try it out. I went to the 23rd Street station thinking that the N would stop there since I saw it on a new map the day before. I was wrong. It must only stop there now on weekends, holidays, and laundry days because I waited as it passed by on the express track, mocking me with its new promotion as I was stuck in the cubicle of confusion. Side note: That 23rd Street R as in rhino and W as in station has hats on the walls. Not real hats, but mosaics of hats worn by historical figures like Samuel Gompers and P.T. Barnum, with tiles below indicating their famous wearers. What the HELL is going on in the subway? I've watched crazy people and heard stories and that is the weirdest thing I've seen. The other stuff I've grown to accept, but mosaic hats? Right up there with those painted cows that were everywhere at one point. So I finally get to Union Square where I wait for the N for a good twenty minutes. Three Q as in queer trains passed and two W's. Then I got to take home the fantastic new N. Overall, the view from the bridge was nice and it's the first weekday, but my ride gets a big fat orange F as in the train I'll be taking home tomorrow.

Saturday, February 21, 2004

A Wasted Dollar and a Broken Dream I was hoping this would be the post where I brag to everyone that I won the $230 million Mega Millions jackpot and how you better not ask me for any of it. But I lost, so you still won't get any. It's nice to dream before the drawing on what you would buy with that kind of money, although you have to take into account after taxes you'll only be left with a few dozen million. You think how you'll move to a big house, buy some fancy cars, and then buy another house far away for any relatives you don't wanna see anymore. They'll think of it as a nice gesture, you'll think of it as covering your bases.

Friday, February 20, 2004

Boo Freaking Hoo "Sex and the City" is almost over! This is NOT happening! Honestly, I've always seen the four main characters as stuck-up socialite bitches. But that's just me.

Thursday, February 19, 2004

Reading, Writing, and Debauchery I had a class today where the professor took us to a bar to show us how to interview store owners. Needless to say it was the best class ever. We all got insanely drunk and slept with each other. Oh wait, that was kindergarten. Only we drank milk and then took naps next to each other. My bad.

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

Death and Taxes and AOL Startup Discs I got my 7,000th AOL disc in the mail today. Though they can be annoying, promising me more free hours, no necessary credit card, and to do my laundry for a week, I do enjoy reading the strange passwords they give you so I can start my membership in utter secrecy. Sometimes you get some good band name ideas, but sometimes you don't. Today I got "HURDLE UNSEEN," whick sounds kinda cool I guess. But then they give another one for your friend, who more than likely lives at the beach and has never received an AOL startup disc ever. My friend got "RECESS EXAM." Bummer. I also decided to download the newest AIM (AOL Instant Messanger) upgrade. It's great because they only upgrade it every week, usually to give me a new smiley face or a warm, friendly new away message like "I am away from my computer right now." Isn't technology wonderful?

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

Hey Wah? Polaroid Warns Film Users Not to 'Shake It' Another victory by the terrorists. Also, singer Kelis will release a statement today notifying everyone that her milkshake is, in fact, not better than yours.

Saturday, February 14, 2004

Pennies a Day A-Rod to the Yankees? For a minor league pitcher and the whiff factory Soriano? I gotta sit down for this.

Comments/Complaints I'm watching the Jet video on VH1 for that song from the iPod commercial (too many regular songs are becoming commercial jingles, but that's not what I'm getting at here) and these Z level celebrities keep popping up in the corners telling me about the video I'm watching at that moment! VH1, due to the popularity of shows with Gen Xers reminiscing about Pop Rocks, Rubik's Cubes, and The Breakfast Club, has the idea that I want commentary from that guy from Ed with everything I watch. Just let me watch the damn video!

Friday, February 13, 2004

Wow, another contest. And look, they want us to help them find something. I've had enough of these "help so-and-so find the whatchamacallit" sweepstakes the corporations keep hitting us with. One day, they tell the kids to find the Kool-Aid Man. The next, it's "vote for the new M & M color" (the people at M & M/Mars are highly persistent). They make these kids think they're doing something important. You're not getting a purple heart for stopping the Trix rabbit. Find your own damn colors. I got shit to do.

Great Entertainment Celebrity Spelling Bee? Well I say it's about time! For years I've contemplated the spelling proficiency of George Wendt and Alice Cooper. Now they'll battle it out for the coveted title of champion. We'll see who truly is the best celebrity speller of all eternity!

Take That, Bennifer Barbie and Ken, plastic dolls, have "broken up," according to Matel. It's sad really, that it happened so close to Valentine's Day. They're also going to continue to "be friends," but it may be hard to find the time since she's the president and an astronaut among other things and he's a surfer with no job. The cause for the break up was when Barbie caught Ken in bed with Cobra Commander from G.I Joe and she wondered how she missed all the signs over the years.

Thursday, February 12, 2004

Average Jersey Driver The news was just showing a car chase in New Jersey that ended when the driver (who I hear was on his cell phone, probably unaware he was running red lights and plowing into parked cars) pulled into a driveway and tried the never successful proceding-on-foot routine. Needless to say the guy was pummeled by cops immediately in the backyard (holy crap that sounds really gay~~subconscious mind at work, folks~~). What I wanna know is why go in a driveway? The cops aren't escorting you home. You can't pull off the innocently unloading groceries gig. You're done for.

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

Proof I Have Too Much Time on My Hands I Googled the words "best serch engine." Dogpile came up first.

Stroke of Genius We have two rovers on Mars right now and people have kind of lost interest with presidential candidate Incredible Hulk impersonations and wardrobe malfunctions and all. What can be done to regain attention? Battlebots: Mars Edition! But I'm afraid like regular Battlebots here on Earth it'll seem cool for the first 10 seconds and then we'll put on 'SpongeBob.'

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

Hook, Line, and Stinker I accidentally sat next to a homeless guy on the train today. I do it every time. I get on and say "Oh look. A bunch of empty seats. I've got my pick." Then I sit down and look next to me and think, "Damn! I fell for it again!" They look like they're sleeping, but they're laughing at you. Homeless people do sleep a lot though. It's odd because you know they ain't tired from a long day at work or shopping. That reads pretty arrogant. I'm gonna stop now.

Music's Longest Night Oh so the Grammys were Sunday night. I realize I'm a little late with commentary but I was waiting for them to finish giving out lifetime achievement awards. Tony Bennett was there and it hit me that he can be paired with anyone now and it doesn't seem weird anymore. He was onstage with Missy Eliott and it seemed more natural than Christina Aguilera's goods, which were falling out of her dress (she clearly tried to upstage Janet). After Tony did that album with k.d. lang (who is so unimportant that her first initial isn't capitalized) I thought he lost it, but he's pulling it off somehow. Can't wait for him to team up with the band from "California Dreamin'."

Monday, February 09, 2004

Too Easy The band Barenaked Ladies perfomed during the second intermission at yesterday's NHL All-Star Game in Minnesota. Funny, I didn't know Janet Jackson was doing another midgame appearance. Oh, snap!

Lemmings I saw a woman today push a revolving door clockwise instead of counterclockwise. But how did it ever begin going counter in the first place? No one ever told me to go counter, I just followed everyone else. Maybe the Nazis started it. Truly this woman was either a revolutionary or complete moron, it's anybody's guess. Ok, ok. Moron.

Saturday, February 07, 2004

Spelling It Out for Me And to think I almost tried to shave with it. This thing is in my real life bathroom.

Friday, February 06, 2004

Bling Bling What is how you know a slang term should be stricken from the language when it appears in a question on "Jeopardy!"

The Censors Strike Back There was supposed to be a scene on "ER" last night where they showed the breast of an 80-year-old woman who was being operated on. NBC, in light of the Janet Jackson halftime extravaganza, pulled the scene. The producers and others involved with "ER" got miffed because it wasn't in a trashy whore kind of context. NBC did the right thing. No one out there in TV land wants to see an 80-year-old breast. They did us all a favor. I was able to watch the show without worrying about turning my head and possibly ralphing all over the floor. TV showed us the boob we wanted to see. It's a simple case of supply and demand.

Monday, February 02, 2004

What if he's blind? Punxsutawney Phil, the world's most confused rodent, "says" six more weeks of winter. Also, after learning he saw his shadow, millions asked the person next to them, "Now, when he sees the shadow, which one is it again?" However the local groundhog, Staten Island Chuck, begs to differ. Today he unveiled a device he had been building in his hole for the last year to push the Earth six weeks ahead in orbit, giving us instant spring by tomorrow. In conclusion, no one should give a damn. The End.

Dysfunction Junction They're making a big deal of the Levitra ads that aired during the Super Bowl because of kids watching. They don't even tell you what it does, how is that a problem? If your child asks, tell'em it's for heart palpatations or kids who ask too many questions. Budweiser had like 15 ads but no one complained about that. And as usual, truth was there with late-breaking news of cigarettes being bad for you. I think they can ease off for a while. People know. They make me think no one is believing them. When will they start with the Iraq weapons of mass destruction campaign? JFK conspiracy maybe? But their new product, shards o'glass pops, look pretty tasty.

For once, the game was better than the commercials Talk about being delusional.

Super Breast Wrap-Up Didn't I see this Super Bowl two years ago? Vinatieri again? On some level we all knew it would happen, too. A good game, even though it was a rerun. Commercials sucked. I'm tired of promos for movies coming out in 2005 and Led Zeppelin's "Rock and Roll" in 300 Cadillac ads. I like Cadillacs, I like Zeppelin. I don't like them together. And enough with all the damn animals. It's a man's game. Men like to eat animals, not have them hit on their girlfriends and fart in their faces. However, that was awful nice of Justin Timberlake to give us a behind the scenes tour of his personal vault, wink wink. Didn't have to order the Lingerie Bowl after all.

Sunday, February 01, 2004

Not a Merv Griffin Production Alex Trebek, host of the game show 'Jeopardy!,' fell asleep at the wheel of his truck Friday and sideswiped some mailboxes and fell into a ditch, but was not seriously hurt. He is expected Tuesday to tape the show as scheduled and continue cruelly informing contestants of wrong answers (That is wrong). The accident happened at 2:30 in the afternoon. Must've been out partying all night, clubbin, sippin on potent potables. Ever since he shaved that mustache he's become a wild man.