Friday, April 30, 2004

Joltin' Jeter Jeter finally got a hit last night, but then didn't get a hit the next three at-bats, and all the newspapers declared the slump over today. The way I see it, he's 1-for-36, which still counts as a slump. Maybe if he can get, oh I don't know, 2 hits in a game I'll think about changing his status.

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

A Walk Isn't as Good as a Hit Zero-for-32. I gotta see this chick.

Slump? Derek Jeter hasn't gotten a hit in 28 at-bats. I have no idea who he's dating, but she must be hotter than the manicure kits for sale on the subway.

Monday, April 26, 2004

Scenes from a Jew's Car Wreck Billy Joel got into another car accident over the weekend, crashing into a house on Long Island (and don't call it 'Strong Island'). He was reportedly getting a "pizza." Sure Billy, pizza, we know. How should we go about this? Say Goodbye to Sobriety? Drunken Celebrity State of Mind? Big Shot of Jagr? Rundown Girl? Drinkin' too much will make your car crash-ash-ash-ash-ash-ash? Make up your own, it's fun.

Friday, April 23, 2004

The Update I went down to P.S. 177, and there were about 5 fire trucks, a helicopter, ambulances, cops, reporters, and people riding by on unicycles. OK, maybe not unicycles, but Jason Blair swore to me that there were. Thing is, how come the people inside can leave but then can't come back in? What kind of quarantine is that? What good is it keeping them there if they can just walk out and spread whatever it is? Obviously then it can't be that severe. As a cop on the scene put it, kids were coming down with only "hives and stuff." Possibly someone from the health department will walk out and tell everyone he just saved a bunch of money on his car insurance by switching to Geico.

The Scoop This may be a first for this website: I think I'm breaking this story. I've heard there are firetrucks and ambulances outside P.S. 177, my old elementary school in Brooklyn. Apparently they've quarantined the school due to an outbreak of some kind of rash that a bunch of kids came down with. If anyone leaves the school, they can't come back in. They're rushing kids to the hospital for this rash. It doesn't seem to be that serious a condition. More to come. Seacrest out!

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

McMortified By now you may have seen that the CEO of McDonald's dropped dead of a heart attack and I know what you're thinking: too many Big Macs, right? But at least they admitted it was a heart attack. The Atkins people are still going with their "slipped on a patch of ice" excuse. Even O.J.'s probably like "Nah, that ain't credible."

Sunday, April 18, 2004

Lock All Your Doors, I Don't Feel Safest at All I finally got to go to the International Auto Show at the Javits Center. I'm not really a car guy. Sure, I like nice cars, but I don't know jack shit about'em. Car guys will for whatever reason assume I know about cars and talk to me using fancy lingo like "engine" and "seat belt," and I nod, pretending I know what it is they're talking about. I can drive the damn thing, that's all I need to know. It's nice looking at new cars and all, but also sad in a lot of ways, cuz you know you'll never be able to buy the top models. I was sitting in this new high-end Volkswagon (yes, that's correct, high-end Volkswagon) with a fridge inside, TV screens on the back of the headrests, and massaging chairs. Nice car, but I can't afford it. And neither can most of the people sitting in the driver's seats of all these cars. I see people get in, turn the lights on, turn the blinker on, or look in the trunk. "Ooh a trunk, that must cost extra. And look, I can make a light flicker to indicate which way I intend to turn." Get out, sir. It's a car, not a Stealth Bomber. You don't look like a car expert just because you moved the seat back. Have you ever bought an automobile because of an amazing glove compartment? I thought not.

Friday, April 16, 2004

Bill's Excellent Adventure Bill got hired last night on the finale of The Apprentice. He will now be in charge of giving The Donald sponge baths every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, as well as fanning him with a big leaf on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I looked at the New York Daily News this morning and there was a huge picture of Bill on the front page. Other then elected officials, I think that was the first time I've seen a cover story on someone getting a job. Never before has a Page 1 headline read "Busboy Gets Promoted to Waiter," except maybe in the Onion.

Thursday, April 15, 2004

Bin Laden Drops New Audio Tape I just wanted to remind all my infidels in America that midnight tonight is the deadline to file your tax return! I did mine online from my cave this year, it was really easy. You don't want to have the American government put a $25 million bounty on your head for not filing, do you? Of course not! Hurry up!

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

Chin Up Quentin Tarantino was a guest judge on American Idol tonight (it doesn't affect the outcome; at this point in the show, the judges really don't do anything but hit on Paula Abdul full time). What a nogan on him. That guy could be his own bobblehead doll. You'd have to guillotine him in installments. In fact, remember that old cartoon on MTV, The Head? I may have found its inspiration. Oh you know it. I think his chin even votes every week.

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

I Just Beat The Daily Show I have just two words after hearing Bush's speech tonight: Blown away. I mean, the way he averted answering the questions of others as a way of telling us what he felt was necessary. How his infrequent usage of the words "freedom" and "loved ones" and "kangaroo" painted his canvas of speech. His patented "ummm" resonating throughout the room between sentences we've heard time and time again. Surely it would be horrendous if this man were not re-elected in November.

* Barry Bonds has tied Willie Mays with 660 lifetime home runs. Of course, they didn't use steroids and the fences were way further back in those days, but who's counting? Fans everywhere love Bonds. I know they'll be rooting for him.

Monday, April 12, 2004

La La La Do you get the feeling that the president's daily briefing reports should have been tailored better for the audience?

Sunday, April 11, 2004

Beany Man Like any man in this day and age, I like me a good jellybean. The flavors have gotten way out of control however. Grilled-cheese-flavored jellybeans, trout-flavored jellybeans, and new-car-smell-flavored jellybeans are selling like hotcake-flavored jellybeans. I also like when they make certain candies taste like other candies. The bubble gum flavored jellybean is like a child of mixed descent. Makes me think that this jellybean would not be here today if Columbus and his crew, the Columbinati, had not raped all those Native Americans. Maybe he does deserve a holiday after all.

Thursday, April 08, 2004

Rice-A-Roni Don't you just love watching Condi Rice squirm? Something tells me that maybe, maybe, she's not disclosing all that she knows. And all her talk about silver bullets made me wanna shoot some werewolves and drink Coors Light. She's right up there with Omarosa from "The Apprentice" as most hated black women in America right now. Plus that haircut has to go. It's almost as bad as Johnny Damon's. Oh, wait, I'm wrong. Here's Damon: Speaking of Damon, he said this in an interview: "I don't think we want to compare ourselves to the Yankees. We'll do everything the opposite of what they do." Yea, like win championships.

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

The Rich Get Richier Jennifer Lopez's mom won over $2 million at a slot machine in Atlantic City on Saturday. This just sucks for me, being that I was in Atlantic City that same day and did not win $2 million. In fact, I think it sucks for anyone who's ever been to AC or seen "Maid in Manhattan." It's not like J.Lo's mom needed the cash. It was nice to see those rednecks win the Mega Millions, they were just reg'lar folk (unless it was an April Fools Day prank and Mother J.Lo won that too). I guess it wasn't the worst thing that might have happened. The two mill could've been won by Dennis Kozlowski.

Monday, April 05, 2004

Web Friendly Blog Post It was ten years ago today that Kurt Cobain died. That feels so strange writing, that is was already ten years ago. Ten years makes something feel monumental, like now it's worthy of being remembered (let it be known that I wouldn't apply this notion towards, say, the 10th anniversary of Old Navy). I suppose Cobain's death was the birth of the crappy music that's been blessing our airwaves for a decade. Thanks, Courtney, for, as Yogi Berra put it, making this day necessary.