This Post is Approved for No Audiences, But Will Still Be Shown Regardless So You'll Just Have to Sit There and Like It

I got this new phone/answering machine and it's one of those talking doohickies. So whenever I have a message, it tells me with the automated voice. But this voice sounds like the guy who does the movie preview voiceovers. It's kinda creepy, and I expect it to start saying things like "coming this summer" and "only one man can save it," followed by a mental image of Jackie Chan or Vin Diesel or Chris Kattan. That guy and the Arby's mitt have got to have the coolest voices ever. And by the way, that Arby's mitt is such a blatant rip-off of the Hamburger Helper hand, I don't know why they haven't sued by now.

Cruise Control

Hey folks, I am back from an 8-day cruise I took to the Caribbean and trying now to fit back into reality. Cruises are a whole other world by themselves. You're cut off from civilization, floating on the ocean with nothing but miles of water around you, all-you-can-eat buffets in front of you, and little kids all over kicking you in the swimming pool. It's a swirl of bingo, eating, art auctions, eating, trivia quizzes, drinking, eating, more drinking, more bingo, gambling, and animals made out of bath towels sitting on your bed. You eat just to do something else besides bingo. Bingo every freaking day. All these years I thought you could only play bingo by getting 5 numbers in a row, but boy was I wrong. My bingo world easily crumbled upon hearing that 5 in a row did not matter here. They had bingo where you had to get a "six-pack" of numbers, "like a six-pack of beer" said Owen, the social host/son of a famous rock star and model whose names would not be revealed for possible fear of embarrassment that their kid worked on a cruise ship. Sometimes you were not even allowed to use the free space in the middle of the card, which was called getting bingo "the hard way." Strangely, getting a bingo when allowed to use the free space was "the easy way," which completely blew my mind into the outer dominions of space. It occurred to me that this game had become so boring that they invented new ways to keep it boring. By around 10 at night I was conked out. I was racking my brain on trivia questions impossible to answer if you were born after 1960. Who do they think I am, that guy on Jeopardy! who's won for like 17 days in a row? Raising the fork to my mouth over and over again took it's toll as well, and I was spent. I could barely make it to the midnight buffet. But if you've never gone on a cruise, go. You'll never feel like more of a gluttonous pig in your life.

Angles and Tangents

The Lakers are on the brink, trailing 3-1 in the NBA Finals to the Pistons. Could it be? An NBA champ coming from the Eastern Conference? And I thought "I Love the '90s" had yet to begin airing. And I don't think people who said "Lakers in 4 or 5" even care that they're wrong, they just wanna see LA lose like the atheist who wanted "under God" taken out of the Pledge of Allegiance. I hate that different religions often get upset over movies or music or something said cuz they're all uptight, but were this guy's atheist views being hurt by saying "under God"? He wasted all that time and energy and now he just looks like a tool. Let it go. And now he'll never get invited to another Christmas party ever again. People like that make you wanna pledge allegiance to this country, huh?

I'll Catch the Post-Game

I just put on C-SPAN and they're airing the funeral of Lyndon Johnson from 1973. This is what the Reagan funeral has turned into: a week long festival where we also look back at prior events of similar magnitude. Ladies and gentlemen, we have another Super Bowl.

Uh Oh

Ray Charles died yesterday and the media rushed to get a reaction from Stevie Wonder, another blind, black singer. Apparently this was all shocking news that a blind man could die, and a warning was imperative to the other blind, black entertainer who is famous. I have not yet found out if Andra Boccelli has heard the news, but I'm sure Larry Bird will make sure he does.

Lucky Lakers

Why is the only known person who can stop Kobe Bryant a little white girl from Colorado? Give her a uniform and we'll see if keeps making those big shots. Shaq was also very successful tonight at putting the ball in the hoop from very short distances, but not so much from longer distances.

PR PR

Let me get this straight: Marc Anthony marries J.Lo and coincidently has a new CD out, all within a few days of each other. If that's not a great album push I don't know what is. If that doesn't work he might as well get himself arrested.

Fresh Rant

Being a recent college graduate, you'd think my family would just say "Nice job" and "Good going" and not worry too much about me finding a real job. But that would as ridiculous as the interview with OJ that'll be on tonight. The feeling seems to be that I should be out hunting for a job and having 4 interviews a day and doing it all with a huge idiotic smile on my face. The truth is that I've finished with over 16 years of schooling. Sixteen years! And what question do I keep hearing? "So, are you going to graduate school?" The obvious thing to do nowadays is to top off a heaping helping of school with, that's right, more school. This is almost the same as watching your carbs the night before you are executed. They just wanna suck the fun out of everything, cuz it's clear they aren't having fun either and can't wait til they see you slaving away for 40 hours every week. To make it worse, the same people bugging me to get a job or continue my eduacation or go to the trapese school on the West Side are throwing large sums of graduation money at me. Now that I have this money, why should I go run out and find a job? I can easily live off it for a while. It's like they're trying to feed me the scent so I'll go out, get more of it, and give some to them later on for no reason. It's the circle of life is all.

Ronnie R

Tributes flow for Ronald Reagan - World - www.smh.com.au They couldn't find a better picture than this one? Ronald Reagan: actor, president, and quarterback for the Dolphins? I don't think so. No stock of him signing a document or taking the oath of office? Let's all remember this man for his dedication to throwing footballs.

It's Just a Fricking Horse, People

Smarty Jones lost today at Belmont, so there is once again no Triple Crown winner. I'm not sure if it's because he heard the news about Ronald Reagan or these horses like watching people get excited over a horse and throw the races to watch old guys with oxygen tanks cry. If he was really smart he would've bet another horse.