The Whole Grain News Source Developed by NASA for a Post-9/11 World
Ken Jennings finally lost on Jeopardy! tonight, ending his streak of 74 consecutive wins. Looks like Cal Ripken can breathe a sigh of relief. He lost in Final Jeopardy when he failed to come up with the correct response: "What is H & R Block?" When he loses half his $2.5 million to taxes, he'll never forget the name H & R Block again.
So I'm browsing craigslist, looking for that now-famous kidney ad but instead seeing a lot of "MTV wants to prank your boyfriend" listings, when I see one for The Biggest Loser auditions. Out of curiosity I click it and see numerous locations to try out. Every single one was at a restaurant. Because if there's one place a fat person can get to, it's a steakhouse.
Julia Roberts had her twins yesterday in LA. Not to be outdone by other celebrities giving their children horrible, schoolyard abuse-ridden names, she named the boy and girl Phinnaeus and Hazel. At least I've heard of Hazel, but it should only be given to women 70 or older looking for a nice new old lady name. But I commend her for not naming the kid "Emma." However, Phinnaeus? Sounds like a pirate or a drill bit company. And since his mom played a hooker in a movie, he'll no doubt hear "Phinnaeus' mom is a whore!" throughout childhood. Jesus, just typing that name is an adventure. No name should have three vowels in a row.
Woke up today to catch the end of the Thanksgiving parade, which for some reason contained nothing but Christmas songs and Christmas-related messages. I hear that holiday is coming up soon. Feels like we got bombarded with the festive cheer a little earlier than usual this time around. Hell I have neighbors who put up lights and animatronic deer weeks ago. But that's what stores do, yada yada yada, I'm not gonna go into it again. Thanksgiving has really just become a Christmas dress rehearsal. No presents but there's a big meal so we can get a taste of the relatives we'll be sick of in a month. Holidays are OK until about half an hour after dinner is over. Then it's time to get the fuck out.
No Gifts, No Guilt: A Survival Guide for Scrooges Because I'm just a ball of Christmas cheer the week of Thanksgiving.
Tonight I finally saw "the #1 show on television," Desperate Housewives. Let me just saw it was exactly what I expected: sheer unadulterated crapola. Wow, hot chicks. I never get to see those on the Internet or in magazines at the barbershop. And they're all skanky whores? Internet again. And without the FCC regulations. TV gets flack for showing a nipple for half a second. My computer can have a nipple screensaver. Shows like this make me long for Tony Soprano's exorbitantly irritating nasal voice to occupy my Sunday nights.
Some game between the Pistons and Pacers last night. But the good news is that Ron Artest will get time to promote his rap album after all, since he'll probably get suspended for the rest of the year and go to jail for a while. Just goes to show that some people will do anything to avoid work.
That Desperate Housewives skit at the beginning of this week's Monday Night Football was completely out of line. I mean, to think a football watching audience would want to see hot chicks wearing towels. Some freakin' nerve. I think we'd all rather see fat, hairy Hank Williams singing about football for the 900th game in a row. Then maybe he could kick Terrell Owens in the teeth.
Anybody know where I can get a really good 10-year-old grilled cheese sandwich, preferably with the Virgin Mary on it? I need to get it for someone for Christmas. I'm looking to spend somewhere in the $100,000,000 range. Just send an email if you can help me out. Oh, and BQAN is featured this week in the "Carnival of Sin" over at nyhotties.com, so check that out. I've always wanted to be part of a carnival, and preferably an evil one.
Wow, Arafat and ODB in the same week. The war on terror made some big advances and did it completely by accident. I don't know how Rumsfeld did it, but way to go. He'll be cabinet member of the month for sure.
Attorney General John Ashcroft handed in his handwritten resignation dated November 2nd. I guess something good actually did happen that day. The letter was handwritten because, most likely, he believes computers to be the work of the devil. Anything that types letters and then prints them must be selling for nothing less than a human soul. The reason for his resignation looks to be health related. The job weakened him and the powers bestowed upon him by Jesus were wearing thin, an aide said. He could no longer destroy homosexuals with his laser vision or fly over the Canadian border killing terrorists with his power ring. Don't let the door hit you in your homophobic ass on the way out.
New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey, who revealed in April that he is gay and had an affair with a man, gave a farewell speech today in Trenton. The governor, who admitted to a gay affair with another man, will be leaving office next week. When he decided to quit the governorship in April, many people were surprised that he was leaving and that he was gay and had a gay affair with, that's right, a dude. To summarize, McGreevey is gay and had an affair with another guy. Gay McGreevey admitted in April that he is gay and is a complete fruity gay man who likes other men. Gay gay gay.
Jay-Zeezer I don't know what it is about Jay-Z, but these DJs love mixing his music where it doesn't belong. Stay alert for the Jay-Z/Kajagoogoo transfusion.
Kerry just gave his concession speech. Like in 2000, there were just too many rednecks who managed to figure out how to use voting machines. But I suppose voting for someone because he's from the South, owns guns, and likes war are great reasons. Truth is all these hillbillies voting for Bush think they're gonna go have a beer with him when they couldn't be bigger opposites. Blue collar workers are losing jobs and not benefitting from most of Bush's tax cuts, or they're just getting blown up in Iraq. So how's about that beer? I'm off to Canada. Be back in 2009.
Doesn't look good for Kerry right now. Damn hicks. Should've lost that civil war on purpose.
Tomorrow is the big day, the one we've been hearing about relentlessly for about a year. Hopefully, the swing states swing towards Special K, Florida doesn't fuck up, and Bush doesn't rig the election again. A tall order, I know, but if we get stuck with Dubya for four more years we'll be kicking ourselves for sure. Those of you who are undecided, the all-important question is, "Are we better off now than four years ago?," and the answer is a resounding "no." We've got this huge burden of fixing up Iraq, jobs are in the shitter (I know from first-hand experience), and a dick president who gives his friends tax cuts in a mountain high bracket. Plus, the younger generation will have to foot the bill for these senior drug benefits. Bush wants people to think we'll be safe with him but in reality it's just the opposite. Over 1,000 of our own troops have died to free Iraq's oil reserves and they don't even have ample equipment. Is that safe? All this in only 4 years. Let's kick this clown off the stage like he was R. Kelly.
There are lots of places to get the news, and there are lots of places to get the news with a twist of humor, but here you get all that from the blog of a smartass from Brooklyn. And it's updated (semi)regularly.
